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An angel’s touch




I AM crying. I cannot stop crying.


Dear God, please help me ease my pain. I don’t want to hurt others through my pain. Please, send me someone whom I can fully trust, someone whom I can fully express my feelings to. Someone whom I know does not judge but listen with open ears. Someone whom I feel safe to be around with.

Someone who I can love.

I don’t want to cry every night like this anymore. My face is starting to show. 

Please, please… Send me someone with whom I can find comfort. Someone who keeps his word. Someone who means all the things he says.

In this night’s thunders and storms, I cannot take it anymore…

I’ve committed to death and a lifetime of dedication to my life’s purpose. 

Please do send me an angel. 




SALUNA is signing off.

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SALUNA: Story of a girl

Once, there was a little girl who reads. A lot.



She would spend all day in her room, hiding underneath the sheets, holding her glow-in-the-dark watch close to the paperback classic. She read words upon words, she gets ideas by the second, and those ideas go away whenever she’s done reading.

To prevent this from happening, she tried to write those ideas down in her own words. On a piece of paper, she wrote down the following words:

My name is Luna. People call me Sal.

On the right-hand side of the page, just on top of the bottom corner, she wrote:

But I love Luna better, because my family calls me Luna.

She folded the piece of paper into half. She went on opening the piece of paper just as she would whenever she opens up to the Harry Potter series, or the books by Roald Dahl, turning the folded piece into a portrait view, the words she had just written reads like a book.

It’s a story! It’s my story.

Then, she smiled to herself.

I’m going to continue becoming a writer when I grow up.

I’m sure her family will be very proud of her.





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When the sun shines we’ll shine together



I AM smiling.

One thing that I’m grateful about this morning? It’s not that important. But it is quite something to note to me.

I’m really fortunate.

I went into Walgreens this morning, the one on Mission. Well, actually, I was scurrying as soon as I got off the 38-Geary bus on Kearny’s stop, and it was raining quite heavily and I was drenched in my hooded sweater once I got to Mission street. San Francisco has been shining for too long, I guess.

I found no umbrellas left once I’m in Walgreens. Luckily, instead of looking for another Walgreens right away, I bought all the stuff I needed to buy on my weekend shopping list (which I carry around in my multifunctional notebook). 

Once I was ready to checkout, the cashier guy smiled earnestly to me. I handed the cash, and I asked: “You don’t have anymore umbrellas, do you?” And he smiled even wider and said, “The Sun has already came up. You won’t need anymore umbrella for the day! Now you can go to your class.” (He wished me a great day too, with a very sincere smile, or you can call me naive). 

Thank God all the umbrellas sold out when I got there in the first place.



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What happened today that I’m grateful about



I AM gratified.



1) I got 9 hours of sleep. Though not straight hours of sleep, but it’s 9.

2) I got time for some intimate sharing with my friend, Maria, while in the BART on our way home from Sunday church. We see each other eye-to-eye, after a couple of years being mere classmates. Plus, I was blessed by the visiting Pastor, because he prayed for my goodwill.

3) My boyfriend and I got to talk about our private matters in our private areas (Like, sexually). After all, today is our three-month mark, and we still have forever to go for the upcoming sexciting events to come. We discuss things openly, that’s what I’m glad about. Most couples don’t do that.


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A moment of gratitude for today



I AM thinking of good things.



As an attempt to reduce my worries and plentiful negative thoughts, I’m writing down some of the good things that happened to me today.

I video chat with my boyfriend. He looks at me the same way he looks at me when we first met. He looks after me as if I’m the most precious thing in his life, which I am. I’m someone special to someone else, and I have a special someone in my life in return too. We share, we grow together, and we nurture this relationship further. As of tomorrow, we’ll be reaching the 3-month mark. It won’t be an itch if God is the center of our relationship.

I also exercised for 2 straight hours today. It has been a while since I’ve last worked out that long. I’m frankly quite surprised I am still strong enough to achieve that, especially from a night of not getting enough sleep.



SALUNA is signing off.

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SALUNA: Clumsy

One fine day, Saluna missed the last bus home. She was chasing after the accelerating train so frantically that she lost her breath.

It was late at night, and she’s just finished her project on campus, deciding that when she gets home, no more worries would cloud her mind. She just need to relax and cool down, probably go to a very deep sleep, and definitely no time to make out with her boyfriend, or anything like that.

She couldn’t wait to get home. The next train would come in an hour, and by then she’ll pass out. The next morning she had to wake up early for another class. Yes, this semester’s driving her crazy!

She went to the ground floor of the city hall. There was a food court that was still open that late. She hoped she could find someone to buy tickets for the bus. Even though the bus route to where she’s currently staying is quite complicated, she’d rather get home early than wait an hour for the train to come.

She asked an auntie behind the chinese food counter. “Are bus tickets purchasable here?”

The woman nodded. She looked at her with a hint of suspicion. “What are you up to so late?”

“I’m just back from school, finishing up my work,” she replied. “I need a ticket home for one, please.”

“You can just go ahead and type in your credit card number into the machine.”

It was right by the cashier. She currently had no money in the bank, just some cash. When she’s standing there so still, thinking what she should do next, the auntie moved from behind the counter and helped her work with the machine. She used her own credit card to purchase a bus ride. But alas, she pressed the wrong button (though she never realized that, and neither did Saluna), and before Saluna can make up her mind, she told the auntie: “Oh no, that won’t be necessary at all. I’ll just wait for another train. Thanks, auntie.”

“What do you mean you change your mind? You think I just paid US$1,000 for a change of mind? Here, I already bought the ticket. Now please return in cash.”

“But… but…”

“What butt? Kids these days, Taking advantage of the elderly.”

“I didn’t mean that. I just thought, I was just panicking… I…”

“How are you going to pay me back, young lady?”

“Alright. Fine. I promise I’ll work shifts here for as long as I can, without any fee. I volunteer. How’s that, auntie?”

“Kids… Alright. Fine. You come here tomorrow morning at 6. Sharp.”

She called her boyfriend. “Hey babe, where are you?”

“Going back home.”

There was a girl’s voice chirping in the background.

“Who’s that?”

“Oh, just someone. A friend.”

His voice seemed indifferent, totally unlike usual.

OK, whatever the case, she’s not thinking about that right now. She too tired to think. Maybe she should just drive back home by herself, even if it would be a really long ride.

Thank God the auntie gave her the car keys to use, just to make sure tomorrow morning when she comes in for work, she’ll return the car.

So she went to the basement. She was driving so dangerously; you should see her steering with her left hand, looking for some cash to pay for the parking ticket. And so it happened – she hit a huge tree on the left, and the car was mildly damaged.

Oh boy, she sighed.




When she reached back to the place, that place where she decided to stay for a while while her boyfriend’s in town, it was loud and messy. The place was a wreck. Thank God her designated room was tidier, though most of the households gathered in her room that night, just because that room she sleeps in is the largest of all.

All these people, whoever they are, are Sean’s friends. Friends from where, she don’t really know. “Just people I know,” he explained the last time she asked Sean.

Immediately after she dropped her backpack on the floor, the front door opened, and there was Sean. With some girl. Short, long-haired, and frankly, looked plain Jane.

If he was going to bring a girl she’s gotta be at least up to his ears, she fleeting thought immediately.

Well, that’s what he said. He said he’s in town for me. Now that sentence just sounds ironic.

Whatever. She’s too tired to complain, or say anything at all. She just caught his eyes for a moment, those stranger’s eyes she never saw before ever since she knew him. He dressed nice, took off his usual spectacles and used contact lenses, brushed his hair up with gel, and wore a clean-cut polo and some neat black pants to pair. The girl really looked like some random Jane on the street. Long black hair, Asian face, sleeveless pale blue dress, and short espadrilles.

And he was holding her hand.

OK, now that’s his friend. Definitely.

After they met eyes, without further ado she went back into her crowded room. She said she wanted to go to sleep, and thank goodness these people understand. That look in Sean’s eyes; something struck real bad into her heart, like it’s cut with the largest kitchen knife ever. But who cares?

She changed into her PJs, covered herself under the huge blanket, and planned the next day. Hawker center at 6, school at 8, and projects until 10.

Sean’s eyes. Damn it.

She stormed out of the room and went into his room. For some reason, they haven’t been sleeping together in weeks. Not even in the same room. Well, he said “I don’t want to disturb you, honey.” OK, that’s not cute anymore.

And the crowd turned out to be hanging around in his room. Saluna didn’t care about that.

“What the hell are you doing?!” she exclaimed to Sean, who was lying on the bed, stroking the girl’s hand, holding her shoulders, and listening to her tiny voice talking about God knows what.

“What’s your problem, Sal?” he replied nonchalantly. And the girl was staring at Saluna. In fact, every one in the room froze, all eyes on Saluna.

“What’s my problem? I can’t believe y—” before she even finished her sentence, his head went back to looking at the girl, listening to her whispering about God knows what. He was still stroking her hand, caressing her arms and head and ears and all over the place.

She look at him. She look at them. She can’t understand why.

She took one more look at Sean, who’s totally ignoring the awkward silence in the room.

Fine. If this is what they’re like right now, then she’d better leave. She won’t even shout at him, she won’t even look at him anymore, or poke him or tickle him or whatever the things they used to do to each other. She’ll just ignore him. As if he never exist.

She know that giving zero attention is the most hurtful feeling of all. Might as well spend her time and energy on other things than something that she can’t trust would work.

She went back into her room, and was so hurt and tired and confused that she fell asleep right away.

The next day, she was about to ditch her words when she said she promised she’s going to work at the hawker center with the auntie. She really thought of ditching that statement. The auntie was a stranger after all, she thought. She may not see her in the future ever again.

But then, something just tells her she needs to do this.

So she went. She became fast friends with Ilona, a girl who’s working there as a staff too. At first Ilona hated Saluna for what she has done – she disrespected an elderly! Was she ever schooled?

But then, they eventually talked about the situation, while Saluna spilled her boyfriend problem, and they talk and chat and laugh like twin girls.

It was when Ilona was giggling about the time when Saluna said one time she was texting on the street while walking when she hit a tree in her head that Sean suddenly texted.

“Hey, what are you up to, babe?”

As if nothing happened between them. Like a wind.

Well, there you go. Unresolved.

She doesn’t reply, she doesn’t want to care, she doesn’t give a shit about pressing the green button on the phone whenever he called, like, 20 times an hour.

A wrong deed is a wrong person indeed, she concluded.

A man who’s intentionally hurting your feelings is just like any other guy on the street who’s thinking of robbing your purse, then decided to rape you before cutting your chest with a knife.

Well, my readers, do you know why Sean’s acting that way all of a sudden?

He never feel safe. He never feel secure. He simply, simply want Saluna, for once, to be jealous. And he’s trying so hard to that that he risked their relationship.

Wrecked car, spent money, lost a boyfriend. Not a real waste of money after all. Saluna, in the end, took Ilona out for a bus ride around the city using that ticket, which was a double purchase. That auntie, who pressed the ‘2’ button, made it a US$1,000 bus ride around the city. But along the way, the two girls were giggling at each others’ stories while enjoying those fleeting views outside the glass windows.

She didn’t break any promises with strangers. She did made a really good friend.

And hawker center became the place where God can trust her.






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Long mane was the truth; while I’m growing my hair back, graduation is coming soon too.




I AM thinking while I’m in school.




They don’t suck.

They suck because I have no responsibility; no sense of self, not centered at all, not grounded, just pretty much free and flyin’.

Last year, at my lowest, through my severest depression, my locks are even shorter.

I’m struggling to graduate from my college by next year.

In-between these two brief, short moments and hair lengths, I had my longest hair ever.

I also had the best time of my life, living in my best body. OK I just lied. I am having the best relationship of my life right now, just not in the best body.

I was disciplined about a lot of things. I was myself, trying to achieve the best self inside and out. And indeed; I was the best, and I knew that.

I was also pompous; even more self-seeking.

Now it’s onlt that I know there’s nothing to seek other than the Almighty.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I don’t want to lie. I want to bear the truth, say the truth, and nothing but the bare, naked truth. And I also want my long mane back. 

And now, back to school.




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At the playground with Sean

The children romp around the backyard merrily. Those hopscotch-jumping, hula-twirling kids radiate a kind of bliss; the pure joy of everyday life, just through their echoing laughters from all corners, as I see and hear and feel the atmosphere.

I found an empty swing a few feet ahead, a boy ran away from the swings toward his friend who’s calling out to him from her basement: under the slide.

He got up, didn’t take too long to get himself together from all that swingin’, or probably just mesmerized by the girl’s sweet sound calling out his name – “Sean, dear! C’mere.” The heartthrob immediately steal his attention away from the moving clouds (he saw many sheeps!) he was staring at on that big, blue sky.

He ran toward her. Somewhere along the way, he tripped. He looked down on his bleeding knee – the red was running fast. Those little prickles of rocks hit him real hard. He blew away the pain hurriedly, holding back his tears. And the girl under the slide is no longer interested in the boy, for he is weak.

I stood for a while on the sandy ground beneath this swing, waiting for a moment until I’m ready to sit on it. All four corners of this old backyard surrounding me, now a void of people, makes no sense of that blissful haven each used to stand itself for.

I sat on the seat and start swinging really lightly, for fear that I might fall again.





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SALUNA: What is happiness?

What is it that makes human existence meaningful? Love, of course.

And taking care of herself is, by no means, an act of love, almost a prerequisite for living a meaningful life.

For a couple of months now, her heart has been enticed by another. “Your happiness is my happiness,” Reed whispered so softly the other night, her ears tingling in delight. “I’m happy if I can make you happy.”

The question everyone keep asking is, what is happiness anyway?

Continue reading SALUNA: What is happiness?