Whenever I draw you, I get to know you a little bit more. Every fur, every detail, every move you make, I love watching you just being you. I want you to experience this life as fully as you can, this life I’ve created especially for you. This feeling inside me I can hardly contain just for myself – I just had to share you to the world.
Each time I draw you near, you delight me in your ways. You make me smile, your cuteness beyond belief. Your snout and your cheeks and your wobbly limbs – I can’t get them out of my head. Never for a second I doubt that you exist and very much alive, a figment of my imagination coming to life.
My world is beautiful because of you. But it’s also a big one where you can get lost easily. My hope is for you not to wander too far from me1, and I’m sorry that sometimes I’m too busy to play with you. I may be your creator, but I am only human. Not God, never will be.
So don’t ever let go of my hand, little one2. Because you are the reason I draw.
When you peel the layers of a person, it just comes down to skin, flesh, and bones. At least, this is what most people would agree.
We often forget that further still, right underneath our rib cage, there is the beating heart, and further beyond the heart seats the soul.
Considering the skin is the largest organ in the human body, it’s easy to think that it’s everything. Our looks, our image, our reputation. People go crazy these days, doing everything they can to make their skin tight and appear “right” and inject artifices with all their might, but they still perish. What happens to the flesh? It lusts after a particular appearance and envies those particulars of others. While it’s busy lusting and envying and greedily hauling the latest technologies to operate their skin, the flesh loses its density over time, as constant as gravity pulls, and all these sagging mass won’t be able to support itself with weak, drying bones.
All the while, everything beyond the heart is neglected. People would nod in agreement with the adage, the heart is fragile. But you know what’s even more fragile? These layers above it that’s supposed to protect it: Our bones, our flesh, our skin. It’s one big vessel that withers with age, and someday, layer by layer, it will turn back into dust.
The soul, on the other hand, is eternal. Where it may go after the rest of you died is up for question. Regardless of your choosing1, it’s where true healing begins. It’s the center where your spirit23 sovereigns over all the layers of your self, the impartial atom of your very being. That moment you feel empty inside? That’s when you forget the soul’s existence, after too much complying, complaining, and compromising. As your vessel undergoes the copious operations you let it through, the light within you wanes and wrinkles and wastes away. It vanishes, even, when you neglect it long enough.
So what’s a girl to do from hereon?
Be true to your soul, first and foremost, always. Walk in the spirit4, and it will protect you from all forms of dis-ease.
Guard your heart5, keep it safe, avoid toxins from penetrating6, and pace yourself7 accordingly, as your life depends on it.
Different people don’t always get along, much less opposites (at least, if we’re in it for the long haul). But differences aside, I think one of the reasons why people constantly argue is because we tend to want people to look into our circumstances more than we do assert our own perspective on the matter. We think that others get it from our viewpoint, but truth is, no two individuals see things the same way. We especially expect or assume this level of understanding from the people we believe know us best, and sometimes, these “Why don’t you get it?!” kind of arguments can leave a permanent scar.
If we stop for a minute and pull back to see things from the omniscient perspective, we’ll see how puny our own ego really is. It begs for your constant attention, its desires are fleeting. You can’t endow your full and complete trust into something so volatile. It’s so tiny and so vulnerable that it knows, it has to present itself as one ginormous vessel of pride. It pushes others around it to attend to its needs immediately, and while it’s capable, it’s not in its nature to become the first to shimmy out of its pride. It would go lengths to prevent others from seeing its small nature in all its nakedness1.
Now the billion-dollar question is, why not you be the first? Contrary to logic, breaking out of your giant vessel reduces neither you nor your existence. You’re just laying yourself bare – fully your small self and completely with your fragile thoughts and porcelain feelings. This way, people can see right through your soul. And this way, you don’t have to put the pressure on those who know you best to empathize with you. Stripped off your armors, it’s easier for you to get to the heart of one another2 without leaving scars, and that’s a good thing in His eyes3.
And you know it. People have been telling you all their life. Some of your relationships went downhill in the first place because you’re like that. You should stop being that way, they yelled. You shouldn’t take things too seriously, or too personally. My personal favorite: Why are you so sensitive?!
And so it goes. Every thought that comes in your way, you begin to suppress. Every emotion, you’re forced to repress before you even process. And every feeling, even the fleeting ones, is like a fatal flaw that forces you to reprogram your nature without a decent backup. No valuable memory to save, no memory whatsoever. The longer this goes on, the faster you go on reformatting mode on autopilot.
Understand this: You are confusing prominence with significance. You might be a little “different” from others, but that doesn’t mean you’re useless, worthless, and/or are doomed to live a meaningless life1. Just because everybody prefers to see a light, outgoing, extraverted little young lady doesn’t mean you should also appear that way. Just because by now you have declared “I am no-thing” all too many mornings in the mirror doesn’t mean you’re actually no-thing, nor does it ever going to make you one. Why? Because you didn’t make you, and this is not the end, and for as long as it’s not that time of your life yet, like it or not, the filmmaker is still running the script.
Fact that you’re casted in the first place is not an accident. As long as you came out of a womb and still alive and breathing, you have a role to play. It’s some-thing, but it’s not no-thing. It may be a lead role or it may not, but you’re there to help move the story forward, to create history, to play a part that ultimately serves a bigger purpose, some-thing much bigger than you.
Even if you can’t see what’s the whole point of having you around, you must remain in the film2. You can’t be replaced. After all, you’re “different”, and so you’re the only one that fits that particular role in that particular scene in the film. The only difference between films and real life is that one was made for multiple audiences (a.k.a. everybody) whereas the latter was made for an audience of One.
Even if there hasn’t been any good come out of your “differences” yet, without them, you won’t be you. It’s like asking Jennifer Lawrence to play Katniss in real life – you wouldn’t want to see her brooding in front of the camera all the time, would you?
Just a thought: This is a New Age-y era we’re living in. These are the times when there are actually job descriptions from the for-profit sector that recognizes individuals as spiritual leaders, healers, and/or gurus. These are the people who often call us into thanksgivings and prayers in order for us to manifest our desires into reality. If we say it in faith, we will attract the things we want in life, or so they say.
Recently, I had an epiphany. I used to be (okay, still am) a sucker for anything self-help but for the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking to myself, “Who should I pray to?”. I generally don’t ask for much in life and in prayer, at least, nothing other than for more wisdom to offset my stupidity and for an overall sense of security. But as I flipped through the pages of some books I don’t wish to name (and various articles on the Internet), I questioned these gurus, who’s supposed to be the “you” in “thank you”? Where’s this mystical place from all our wishes will be granted? Do people ever question these things whenever they get into that “self-help mode” of reading/watching/listening? Like, if in the end all of our prayers do manifest themselves into reality, who are we going to thank? And most importantly, are we all praying to the same One or different gods, or even *gasp* false gods?
Don’t know about you and I know this is a sensitive subject. But hey, I believe in spiritual beings that we can neither see nor touch, beings so magnificent they exist beyond any human mind can imagine. They are at war just as we humans are at ours.
So my message for this year’s Ascension Day is this: Before you think about what you want, think about who you’re submitting yourself to, where you’re directing your energy toward. Remember: Where there’s a Big Bang when the universe came into existence, there must be a Big Bang-er somewhere1.
Now that I’m back from my March sabbatical, I feel a lot more at ease. This makes me happiest knowing that those who benefit the most from my break are the people around me. No more keeping up with popular blogs, panicking over last-minute changes, feeling pressured to take perfect pictures, feeling pressured to stay relevant, and pulling an all nighter blogging1. As for me personally, it’s more time to develop products to feature Ocha the pig.
You may see that I’ve eased myself into the blogging routine again this month, and slowly integrating the character into this platform I’ve came to call Stillwater. I have a huge temptation to remodel everything here and simply call it the Tinylittletea Studio, so as to function only as a community-building platform to grow my audience as well as potential leads and buyers. This means I’d have to cancel out everything I’ve worked so far on this blog – a wave goodbye to self-expression.
But no, I’m never going to do the latter. The more I give myself time to think about it, the more I feel this is:
a place where I can be thankful for life, give more of it, share my stories, give back for my blessings, serve the Lord, and promote others within my reach. I’m done hiding my faith like a criminal of some sort just to seem “cool”. Last I checked followers of Christ are still the majority of the world population. Besides, self-promotion leads to nowhere when I’ve got nothing to sell, at least, nothing tangible and non service-based.
But other than that, Stillwater is a place where I reflect and introspect, the still rock in the water’s currents.
And more important than that, a place where my love shines (pigs, tea, books, wonders, and love itself).
I’m still aware that I don’t belong to any particular niche here, but that doesn’t stop me from receiving the grace and recognizing the favor that rests upon me. There’s too much inside for me alone to contain, and so with this message I’d like to allow myself the space on the web for the joy to overflow, and to welcome you to (finally) read my mind as it is2.
Why is it that some people like to watch the same thing over and over again?
Like, you’ve watched The Notebook and all Spider-Man movies dozens of times in your lifetime. You know every scene, every line, and you know how it’ll all turn out in the end.
Is it precisely because we know exactly how it’ll all turn out that we keep watching them over and over again? Is this how my subconscious is speaking to me, that I’ve been wishing that I’d brainwash my way to manifest those scenes into real life?
Actually, I already know how my life will turn out. It’s both my ending and yours.
It’s a legendary story of how my Creator loves me so much He’d died for me, so I will leave this place knowing that there is a purpose to all this. All these problems, these hurdles, these anxieties and pain and confusion. Things will never be perfect over here. But sometimes, they linger for so long, they make you start to question whether you and your life has meaning at all.
Whenever the fogs begin to shroud my vision, I always forget this ending, or I’ll deny it’s ever mine. It’s too good to be true, I’ll say, because I’m that undeserving. It always happens whenever I feel far from Him, my moral compass, my eternal flame, the one and only soul worthy of my complete trust. Once He’s out of my sight, things get super blurry, and all I want to do is just curl up in my PJs and indulge myself in some home entertainment.
Let me tell you: At the end of the 2-hour show, your circumstances won’t change. Things are still confusing, things are still blurry, they are still haunting. In this life, there is so much to question, worry, and become doubtful about. Look at you, you contradict yourself all the time, so much so that you will yourself to a point where you don’t know what to believe.
DVDs aside, it’s best I go read our happy ending over and over instead of Hollywood’s. I will still forget it at times, but at least I’ll be useful most of the time while I’m here.