Posted on

The perfect guy doesn’t exist.


The perfect guy doesn’t exist, so I stopped looking for him. I’m tired of guys who cheat, play, and lie, so I stopped hoping for a guy who would ‘get’ me, or at least, try.

But you see, the perfect guy DOES exist. More like a man than a guy, and he happens to be a god – the God. He’s been waiting on me to look for him since … well, let’s just say it’s been a long time coming.

This is the only man who’s ever walked on earth who is perfect, and there will never be another. He is the epitome of perfection who loved me, still does, and forever will do, and he’s laid down his life for me so I’ll reunite with him after earth. I have faith in him1, which is why I stopped looking for the perfect guy, but still have faith in love.

There will never be a guy on earth who’s worthy enough for me to give my complete love, care, and affection, because no one else is perfect other than the perfect man. As long as I’m just as imperfect, there will always be miscommunication, mistrust, and misunderstandings. I don’t know whether a guy’s going to leave me or forsake me, but he might2.

Even more so, there will never be a guy on earth who loves me so much that he’s willing to die for me like the perfect man – not ever. I don’t feel worthy enough to be loved that much, because I’m far, perhaps worlds away, from perfect. As long as I have imperfect thoughts, there will always be imperfect deeds, imperfect actions, imperfect behaviors. Guys would either get the truth or get the wrong implications. Even if there is a well-meaning guy who’s willing to die for my imperfections, his own imperfections would flaw his sacrifice, and that sacrifice would be next to nothing compared to that cross.

In the meantime3, in addition to sacrificing his life for me, the perfect man has also delivered me a man to unite with … a man with flaws and all, but is full of faith, hope, and love. This man will never ‘get’ me as completely as the man who died for me – not ever, but he’s willing to keep trying, just as much I’m longing to give my love, care, and affection for a man. He is worthy for me because I am worthy of the death of the perfect man, and I am worthy for him because he also believes and receives the love of the perfect man.

Yes, he is imperfect. But he was made perfect for me, and I for him, and from today onwards, till death do us part, we are going to let our love for the perfect man perfect us.


P.S. Every first-person pronoun (I, my, me) above are replaceable with second- (you) and third-person (he, she, it) pronouns.


Appreciate this post? Buy me tea~


  1. Hebrews 11:1 []
  2. Deuteronomy 31:8 []
  3. 1 Corinthians 13:12 []
Posted on

H – 2 | #HerStance: On trust, relationships, and how I came to know The One.



Note: Now here’s the post you’ve been waiting for ;) As usual, get your tea and most comfortable throw and read away – be prepared for a loooooong post that’ll complete the missing piece of his story #HisStance. Enjoy!


Stacia’s side of the story #HerStance

Unlike Stanley, I don’t have a running list of qualities I must find in a future husband where I actually take time to sit down, think them up, and write. “I’ve prayed for a girl that meets all those criteria for 7 years … and here you are,” he always says to me. I do make mental notes about what I want in a future husband over the years, but never go as far as detailing him out because, like Stanley, I also never thought I’d ever get married … but for different reasons. We’ll get into those reaosns

As far as my mental notes go, the non-negotiables have always been:

  1. Absolutely no smoking
  2. Absolutely no drugging
  3. Absolutely no bad drinking habits
  4. Is clean of HIV/AIDS, i.e. has never paid service to call girls
  5. Is smart, i.e. able to carry on intellectual conversations
  6. Is humble
  7. Is willing to put the sovereign God before me

The big bonuses, a.k.a. my personal preferences:

  • Has a marathoner’s built (taller than me, lean for stamina)
  • Has a kind face
  • Smiles a lot

If you look at today’s society, it’s practically impossible to find a guy who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t practice free sex, and leans not on his own ego for his self-confidence, but God – all in one package. I just don’t want to settle down, knowing I’ll be going the wrong way, if the head of our family is driven by his puny and fickle ego. He could only bring me and my kids to anywhere but happiness if his attitude is always prideful and only relies on his own thinking all the time. So, even though this list depicts a very simple man, I myself find it hard to believe this man ever exists.

Keep in mind that up to this point, I was still a non-believer.

Now, here’s the thing: Ever since my last relationship ended, I took a conscious choice to remain single to figure out who I am and what I really want. This period lasted about 4-5 years, and I can say now that it was the most determining years of my adult life. even though I had the best intentions to improve myself, I had set up a destructive thought pattern in the personal development department. It goes something like this: Think of the ideal future husband in your head, and adjust yourself continuously so that you deserve him. The logic was that I can become my best, most attractive self if I acquire as many traits and characters as possible that my ideal future husband would deem attractive. It’s “What would non-existent unbelievably perfect guy do?”, much like how Christians keep asking themselves “What would Jesus do?”. And attracted men like my ideal future husband I eventually did, but the more I discovered amazing traits in the guys who pursued me, the more I desired to adopt these traits for myself, and the less I felt deserving of the care and attention of any man, or, for the matter, anyone.

Slowly, it became an automatic response: The moment an opportunity for happiness comes along, I backed out. I need to work on myself first, I always say in my mind. It’s almost as if I’m forbidding myself from happy, fulfilling relationships. The process of feeling less and less confident of my own self-worth was so gradual, yet so progressive. This thought pattern, as well as other major areas of my life at that time, has contributed large portions to my depression. Many of you longtime readers know that this was when I lost the desire to do the things I usually like, the will to keep working hard in college and at life, and to simply continue living. Another day, another failure to meet the ever-increasing standards I’ve set for myself – I even failed at just being a girl. As I’ve revealed before throughout the blog, I missed my menstrual period for 17 months, seen 2 gynecologists, both of whom prescribed me with nothing but changing my lifestyle to “reduce stress”.


We both agree that God’s hand was at work the whole time. Right from the moment He taught Stanley patience since he made his list, all through my depression era to work on my faith, all the way till He deemed my heart was ready to meet my future husband, till He deemed Stanley was ready to have his prayers answered … and his faith tested.


The pinnacle of my depression era was the moment I came back to Jakarta for vacation for the first time in more than a year, in summer 2011. I arrived at the Soekarno-Hatta International Airport with ultimatums that I knew were going to break my family’s heart. Through the car ride I could only keep tearing up as I stared bleakly through the window at the familiar scenes of my hometown, knowing how my own child, if I ever have one, would feel if he or she would tell me the things I was going to tell my mother later when we reached home.

I told her I was planning to quit college, commit to volunteering in humanitarian works, and do freelance writing full-time. I no longer want her financial support, I no longer wish to burden them with my needs, I don’t need to get a blue-collar job, don’t need no dreams, don’t need no supportive friends, don’t need to get married, don’t need to be happy. I just need to make myself useful for the rest of my life. That way, in the end, my life would count.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Thank God she didn’t respond in anger, but encouraged me to at least make the people around me happy, the people who are actually within reach, because the starving children in Africa aren’t guaranteed to become happy if I did committed myself to volunteer work. Despite her kind and wise words, I despised myself even more for making her so sad.

Keep in mind that here, still, I wasn’t a non-believer.

That same night was the night that completely turned my life around. After the talk with mother, I decided to take her suggestion to heart – the least I can do, even at the end of my life, is to make the people around me happy. According to her, one of the ways to make the people around me happy is to actually make myself happy. At that time, I thought it was an impossible task – who am I to deserve special treatment, even from myself? But it was the starting point where I began to engage with social life again, although I was done actively seeking future husband candidate at all, much less an ideal one.

That night, I caught up with one of my best friends over dinner. After that, we thought we should join some of his friends and acquaintances for a karaoke session.

Pretty casual, nothing fancy here. But who would’ve guessed I would meet my future husband there and then – At the most random and unpredictable place, during the lowest point of my life. And my future from then on has veered into anything but bleak.


What’s your stance? What’s your his? Do you always see each other eye to eye, or do you disagree on everything? Here’s a challenge for you two: Share the love from both perspectives, from #HisStance and #HerStance, and your story might get featured on the blog! Simply tell it from both sides of the story (that’s the ONLY requirement) on the comments section below to win a chance to get featured. Can’t wait to hear from you lovebirds <3


The real story begins when he asked me to be his girlfriend. Stanley made it very clear that he is a Christian, and he neither pressured me to convert nor made any implications about it. He simply wanted me to know that he’ll always remain as a faithful and loyal servant of Christ even as we’re about to enter a relationship of differing faith. This was almost a week after he popped the girlfriend question, and the day after he clarified himself as a follower of Christ, I gave him the green light with a “yours truly” text message.

At that time, I was completely nervous, yet excited, just as I am now as we’re celebrating our first milestone. That was the first time in a long time I’ve felt deep intimacy and affection with a guy I actually admire. I guess out of it all, it was his loyalty and faithfulness to God, a non-negotiable of mine, that attracted me to him the most. Even though I haven’t had a relationship with Jesus Christ, I’ve always believed in the sovereign God … and that He’s always good. So if he’s serving the God I believe in, the sovereign God who’s omniscient and omnipotent, and essentially the largest, grandest, most magnificent entity in the entire universe, than I know my heart will be safe and secure with this guy.

If you ask Stanley, he always tells the story of how we met as if it’s his lightbulb moment of “She’s the one”. He’d also tell you that on the other hand, the only thing I remembered about him was “that bespectacled guy wearing that bright orange polo.” But today, we both agree that God’s hand was at work the whole time. Right from the moment He taught Stanley patience since he made his list, all through my depression era to work on my faith, all the way till He deemed my heart was ready to meet my future husband, till He deemed Stanley was ready to have his prayers answered … and his faith tested.

Overall, there are 3 problems we had to keep dealing with in the beginning:

  • I always push him away because I think I’m worthless and can only hurt and burden him.
  • I didn’t want to deal with the pain that romantic relationships carry, i.e. I was still in the lifetime singlehood mentality.
  • He refused to give me reasons why he pursued me in the first place. He’ll never want to make them so tangible that’s it’s easy to find faults in me and eventually leave me.

Do you realize what’s the main issue behind these arguments? It’s called TRUST. And I didn’t have it.

It just boggles me how he can truly love someone as ugly and worthless as me. I’m nothing like the women he’s usually interested in, and I’ll never be like them. Over the years, the thing about trust that I’ve learned is that the more you give it, the more you gain it. I’ve always been slow to trust people in general, because people are people and they’ll find ways to break that trust. Perhaps not intentionally, but we’re all deeply flawed creatures. Yet this whole trust issue with Stanley, I found they all spring from the most important issue in life: I didn’t put my trust in God. Instead, I put it in myself … my fickle, fragile emotions. It’s no coincidence that I read a lot of woo-woo stuff during that time – loads of self-help books that teach you to “fake it till you make it” by sheer willpower, but gives no long-term solution. It was only through my rocky relationship with Stanley over the last 4 years, seeing how much I’ve hurt him because I kept pushing him away, that I began to undergo a slow, steady transformation.

Now I’m not trying to sound preach-y here, but we would’ve never gotten married if it wasn’t God who began his real work in me. He tested me from the tiniest tests to the big ones, placing me in situations where it’s blatantly obvious to put my trust in Him rather than working everything by myself. Today, I can say that the real and only solution to dealing with doubts concerning self-worth is a relationship with Jesus Christ. Take this relationship out of a man/woman’s life, and he/she’ll never truly trust himself/herself.

How do I know this? Well, because for the first time in my life … I feel truly, wholly, and completely accepted, flaws and all. There is no other God, or person, or entity in the world that can love you so much, He made it so easy and so convenient for you to love Him back. He compiled the whole truth about life in a book so you don’t have to look elsewhere and confuse yourself, He’s forgiven all your stupid mistakes from the past and the future so you no longer have to feel guilty and worry about later, and the most irresistible, almost too unbelievable truth of all … is the fact that He loves me so much, He’s willing to die for me. Me … a person I’ve only thought as a worthless nobody who wasn’t able to earn lots of cash to provide for the family who’s raised me and cared for me ever since I was young.

I thought majoring in the creative arts was a shame, but He asked me not to throw that passion away. Until I truly trusted Him and took His instruction to heart, He inspired lovely pigs in me. I thought the ideal future husband doesn’t exist, but He revealed Stanley to me just when the moment is right. When He had passed the patience test and when I finally realized I cannot make others happy if I’m not happy myself first. I thought I’m nothing but dust that take up space, but He tells me I’m His precious daughter, just as how my pigs are precious to me. I am accepted, loved, and entrusted with gifts that are uniquely shaped for His purpose – and He’s been so trustworthy to me, that I also stopped feeling the need to know all the detailed and organized plans of His purpose.

The same goes with my relationship with Stanley: I stopped feeling the need to understand why he can love someone like me, as I no longer feel the need to demonstrate my worth according to his affection. It also felt easier to tolerate the pains when I’ve freed up space in my heart from past burdens, and so pushing him away is no longer a good idea. I am washed, cleaned, and have gained a new identity in Christ, so it’s no longer relevant to question the worth of my old self.

Deep, deep down, I still think I don’t deserve Stanley. Sometimes I still find it hard to believe he exists – a guy who doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t practice free sex, and leans not on his own ego for his self-confidence, but God – all in one package PLUS the bonuses. But who am I to judge? Just as I don’t deserve God’s amazing, unbelievably abundant grace, at the end of the day, the Lord is the only one who knows best.

And here we are, days from the big day that would forever change and unite us for all of eternity. I cannot wait for more conflicts, more arguments, more bickering, more disagreements, and more misunderstandings with Stanley, due to the differences between us that he’s already pointed out. The way I see it, we are more similar than we are different, as both our hearts have placed its full and trust in the same Lord our God. God clearly favors this marriage for a reason, and we can tell it’s going to be one heavenly ride.


Posted on

H – 8 | #HisStance: On relationships, getting married, and how I know she’s the one.



Note: Hey, you. Lucky you for stopping by Stillwater today, because finally … for the first time ever, you’re reading the first ever guest post on the blog!!! And it’s none other than my hubs-to-be, Stanley, who’ll be sharing his side of our story #stance2015. It’s close to a week left before the wedding now, and I feel it’s the perfect time to reflect on how far we’ve come, because, let me tell you, it wasn’t easy to transition ourselves into the marriage milestone. We’re not just sharing this for our own introspection – we want to tell our story because it may help you figure out where you should be heading next in your current relationship, particularly you peeps who are still pondering whether the man/woman you’re with is someone you can’t live without. I promise, you will hear my side of the story after this, so stick around for the next 8 days ;) Let me know whether you’d like to see more collaborated posts like this in the future. Enjoy!


Stanley’s side of the story #HisStance

Before meeting Stacia, I have always thought that I would never get married. Because whenever I get heartbroken or get unrequited love from the girl I am interested in, I would always step up my expectations from the next girl I am going to date.

My list of criteria went like this:

1. Has to be tall
2. Has to be fair skin
3. Has to be adorable
4. Has to be slim
5. Has to have long legs
6. Has to live relatively near my house
7. Accept me for who I am
8. More importantly, has to love God
9. As a bonus, please be pretty …

I knew I was in trouble… I became critical with every girl I’m introduced to. I judged them before I even tried spending time with them… All because of the criteria I have set and I strictly followed them. I almost gave up….

But God is always kind to me. His favor never seems to stop, no matter how many times I have disappointed him. A girl was introduced to me… not as someone meant to be a potential girlfriend, but just as an acquaintance.

Stacia has fulfilled all the criteria, including the bonus, except the most important one: Does she love God or not? It turns out she didn’t… (at least not yet)

God didn’t stop there… In the past, if I found out the one I am interested in has a different faith, I stop pursuing. I didn’t want to be troubled with potential issues in the future that comes with faith differences. But this time, I couldn’t seem to stop thinking about her. I decided to take the risk – I confessed to her while making it very clear how serious and devoted I am about my faith, and will never leave Him no matter what.

After some consideration, she agreed to be my girlfriend. A feeling that I have not felt for almost a decade has finally returned to me and I forgot how it felt… a mutual love. What about the faith differences? Without me even mentioning anything, she followed me to church and started learning more about Him. Again, without me even saying anything to her, she decided on her own to get baptized, fulfilling the last the criterion I have set.


Instead of thinking negatively about our differences, we think about how we can change, tolerate more, and adapt to accept each other’s differences.


Even though being with her has made the happiest moments of my life, I have to admit that those are not easy and smooth-flowing times. We are two very different persons, from different family backgrounds, cultures, and mindsets. It was hard to be a bridge between the two parties. I have to be a good, respectful son and brother, while at the same time I have to be a loving, understanding boyfriend and now… a future husband.

We always argue due to disagreements that arise from our differing mindsets, differing social and cultural beliefs, and differing ways of life. It’s not an easy task to merge my 30-year’s worth of teaching and experiences with a totally different 25-year’s worth of teaching and experiences. We hurt each other a lot. We made each other cry. But what I love in our relationship is that God never let us become separated. He intervenes when the problems get too serious and reminds us why we are together. We fix our problems. We find solutions. We make up.

Time came when I have to make the ultimate decision… the most important decision of my entire life… The proposal. I asked God, family, friends, and everyone else about this. What to consider, what to think, what to prepare. I was planning to propose after 2 years of dating, but I decided to rethink and get prepared for another year just to be extra sure and clear out any doubts. True enough, I only became more confident about making her my wife as I love her even more, not like a girlfriend-boyfriend love, but a lifetime-partner love. I proposed.


What’s #HisStance? What’s yours? Do you always see each other eye to eye, or do you disagree on everything? Here’s a challenge for you two: Share the love from both perspectives, from #HisStance and #HerStance, and your story might get featured on the blog! Simply tell it from both sides of the story (that’s the ONLY requirement) on the comments section below to win a chance to get featured. Can’t wait to hear from you lovebirds <3


Post-proposal didn’t make our relationship less harder. We fought about even more serious stuff, sacrificed more, stretched comfort zones, increased expectations, faced with greater responsibilities, and got to know even more about each other… the good and the bad and yet more differences. But having gone through all that is proof to me… a proof of commitment and love towards each other. We worry about each other and only want what’s best for both of us. It is tiring and frustrating at times, but we make it through it all, thanks to God who continually binds us to become stronger than ever. These days, instead of thinking of breaking up after each major fight, we calm down, try to understand each other, and work together to find a solution. Instead of thinking negatively about our differences, we think about how we can change, tolerate more, and adapt to accept each other’s differences. All this will not go this beautifully unless God’s hand is working amongst us.

And here we are… Just a few days from being married… Who would have thought that I would get married when I was still in my position and situation a few years back before I met Stacia? I was picky and difficult when it comes to love – I won’t consider any further if I can’t picture myself with a girl in the future. Who would have thought that I would meet a girl of my dreams who accepts me, cares for me, and loves me? Who else would take me on this adventure, to laugh and to cry with me, even sharing my burdens? It has been a difficult process, a journey with plenty of turbulence, but with God’s grace and strength, we flew past through it all and has now arrived at our destination, embarking upon a whole new adventure.


By Stanley Widjaja

Posted on

H – 10: Your trophy, your pillar, my vow.



A favorite from all the photos I took during our final technical meeting in Bali before the wedding. Something I know I’ll treasure during our golden anniversary. I can literally hear God saying, “Look at them. It was I who united them, in their powerlessness and in My strength.”

I mean, it’s 10 friggin’ days left!!!!!! Had my last gown fitting earlier yesterday, just received our senior pastor’s blessings personally, going to set up our bedroom later on this weekend. Me and hubs-to-be are completely freaking out right now. Like, facing each other, shaking the other’s shoulders with both hands, saying, “OMG babe, we’re getting married!!!” As if it’s just dawning on us.

Trust me, you don’t know where life can lead you the moment you surrender and let Love in.


Posted on

H – 30: So, I’m actually going to be a bride …


It’s officially 30 days till the big day. As clichéic as this sounds, I can’t believe it’s finally happening. I mean, for real …

One moment you think you still have a long way to go before you become a wife. The next moment you’re going to be one in a blink. See, it doesn’t even occur to me that I’m going to have to be a bride first before I become a wife. I’ve gotten so focused about marriage and on how to foster and protect a good household that I didn’t realize … hey, we actually have go through the aisle first.

I never quite understand what’s the significance of a woman being a bride to the point where I looked up Wikipedia on it. Twice. None of the historical and cultural information ultimately tells me what’s the point of having over-the-top weddings … yes, I’d go so far as to say that my own wedding is going to be over-the-top, at least, for me. Every married Asian knows that your wedding is not just yours and your hub-to-be’s, but also your family’s – meaning, everybody has a voice. For ours, we’re going to have our “real” wedding in Bali, and 2 weeks later we’ll be holding another big banquet in our hometown Jakarta, although it’s a standard reception size in modern Indonesian culture. I told you at one point I’ve fantasized eloping … imagining everything that’s going to happen in the plan just freaks me out, and more than anything else, I really, really just want to hide behind my hubby-to-be the whole time.

But then what really struck me today (and yesterday, and for the past week … ) is the real significance of the idea of being a bride. Like, it’s actually a big deal. No wonder so many women have dreamt about it since they were little girls … since I wasn’t raised from a Christian family, I wouldn’t really know, or ever dared to dream about becoming a bride, much less a wife. The Bible says the church is the bride of Christ. When a bride and a bridegroom stands before the altar and say their I do‘s, they’ll no longer be separate parts of the church, but one stronger, more significant part of the body1 – from two legs into one, from Stanley and Stacia into Stance2. By choosing me to become his bride, le fiancé’s really put me on pedestal here … because he sees me as an individual worthy of melding with to symbolize Christ and his church, just as other Stances have been married in Christ. It’s got to be a pretty significant sight to behold, and this epiphany’s probably the sole reason I’m (finally!) getting particularly excited about the wedding.

Deep down, I still really just want to get it all over with, because with over 2,000 generations of wedding tradition comes a host of human-set values we “need” to follow, simply to pay respect to our family and homage to our culture. But hey … the months leading to this moment have made me much closer to Jesus than ever before. It’s made me realize how much I need him, and how much I need the church to keep me alive.

This all just means my introversion doesn’t excuse me from standing in the spotlight … I have to get my nails done, voluminize my hair, purify my skin, tone up all over, and get some really good sleep. It helps if you know you’re alive for an audience of One.


  1. Matthew 19:6 []
  2. Btw, our hashtag is #stance2015 []
Posted on

Currently revisiting: The Sacred History + The Secret History of the World



The Sacred History by Jonathan Black, page 176

“Elijah, the Buddha, Socrates and Apollonius brought spiritual awareness and understanding to the world – the knowledge that we are all interconnected, that we should show compassion to every living thing, that we must play our part in the world’s evolving. They all knew on some level what was happening and what had to happen, but it was Jesus Christ who brought the power that made it happen. He had the power to turn history on its hinges. Elijah, Buddha, Pythagoras brought faith and hope, but Jesus Christ brought love.




The Secret History of the World by Mark Booth, page 21

“To today’s most advanced thinkers, academics like Richard Dawkins, the Charles Simony Professor of the Public Understanding of Science at Oxford, and other militant materialists who regulate and maintain the scientific world-view, the mind of God’ is no better than the idea of a white-haired old man up above the clouds. It is the same mistake, they say, that children and primitive tribes make when they assume God must be like them – the anthropomorphic fallacy. Even if we allowed that God might conceivably exist, they say, why on earth should ‘He’ be like us? Why should ‘His’ mind be in any way like ours?

The fact is that they’re right. Of course there is no reason at all … unless it’s the other way round. In other words, the only reason why God’s mind might be like ours is if ours was made to be like His – that is, if God made us in His image.





Follow on Bloglovin

or find me on


Posted on

You are not your own.


© tinylittletea

The image on the mirror is ugly.

it has small eyes, wide nose, thin lips, thin hair, flat chest, and wide hips. I wish its skin’s a bit fairer, its hair’s a little fluffier, its lips much fatter, its eyes bigger, its nose much straighter, that it’s way bustier than it is, that it’s got slightly longer legs, and just a little bit taller.

I also wish it’s more mature, more patient, much more gentle, much, much slower to anger, thinks way less about things than it does now, way less anxious than it is now, and much more loving, caring, and forgiving to others.

“Then, you wouldn’t be your own image,” the mirror said. “If all your wishes come true, you wouldn’t be God-send. You’d be others-manipulated, conventions-regulated, and pretty much everything else other than your own person.

I froze for a moment. I stared at the image again.

True, that image is not me. I was never my own to begin with, and I should be stepping away from this deception.

I stepped back from the mirror1, and I remember the verse.

That’s when I know, I am beautiful. In every way that I already am.


Appreciate this post? Buy me tea~


  1. James 1:22-25 []
Posted on

What’s not popular: A sense of belonging + a culture of gratitude


Everyone loves the ESFP gal (what in the world is an ESFP?). She’s the ideal blogger who doesn’t care much about what people think about her rants and raves and controversial views about the most debatable topics. For one thing, these gals have very thick skin, and I cannot imagine how many hate mails they receive on a daily basis. But then, that’s where the cash comes in; because they’ve gotten past the whole daring-to-be-yourself, I-don’t-care-what-you-think phase, it doesn’t take them long to master this power that I’ve envied since forever – the power to relate to others.

From time to time, I still fall back into self-pity and juggle between the whole fake-confidence thing and total hermit, which I’m fully aware alienates people and leaves them with a lot of confusion. So it’s no wonder I was never a popular kid at school – as much as I wanted to belong to one of the popular cliques, it doesn’t come naturally to play the dearest, always-perfect, happy-go-lucky social butterfly. I’ve tried, hard. Maybe a little too much. I’ve even compromised my personal core values several times just to “belong”, then hated myself later on. As time goes by, I just feel exhausted by all the energy I have to put in in order to build this mask, but even more exhausted from all the potential friendships I’ve lost because of my fakery.

But I’m done with trying. The difference today is I have Jesus – the one integer that puts every piece of me back into whole, the loving-kindness who mercifully preserves me from the different facets of my evil mask; the impartial judge who took my death sentence, died in my place, and went through all the trouble of the slow and painful crucifixion process, just to relate to me (and you, btw). There’s nothing in the world I can repay him for letting me know I belong to him just the way I am.


Spread the love, not your soul

I’ve always thought you have to be a certain definition of perfect in order to belong to a clique, and if you want to belong to another clique you have to fit yourself into that particular clique’s definition of perfect, and so on and so forth. At one point, I’ve spread myself too thin that I didn’t know who I was anymore. Maybe an expired butter that wishes it’s Nutella. But many of you longtime readers know I’ve suffered from depression and didn’t have my period for 17 months when I was 21. Any human can eventually withdraw from the world when they’ve given “everything” to the whole world, but gets nothing in return. Put simply, what I’ve learned from is that dark period of my past is that truly giving your all doesn’t involve selling your soul to the devil – it’s giving everything you’ve got because you’ve already got all that you need.

nutella-01Translated into blogging, this is why it’s never 100% for-profit for me. If I did, I would’ve hand-picked a niche a long time ago, stuck myself to that, constantly grinding content within that niche, and one day become just another “expert” on that topic till the end of my life. Essentially, I know I’ll become a slave to it. There are so many things I count as blessings in my life that I cannot contain into boxes, and when I’m older, I want to recount everything just so looking back would be a rewarding experience for my kids, my grandkids, and myself. You already know how much of a worrier I am, which was probably why God sent such a positive person to become my life partner1, and so to really count through my little joys is important to me.

There was a time when I had a full agenda of content prepared to be read and loved and go viral on my editorial calendar, but it didn’t work out. The more I wanted to be “popular”, the less grateful I actually become toward the blog and as a person. That period did help me to recognize the kind of content I no longer want to put out for the long haul, but the whole process was mentally and physically draining – all I could think about was the pressure to get something out, things like I have to gain traffic, I have to convert, I have to create buzz. I know, pretty soul-crushing if not, de-humanizing.


A little difference is still a difference

We humans are not moved by reason alone – we’re moved by emotion. The last thing I want is creating singular reasons why people would want to come find me. What I want is pure connection with you, one-on-one, on non-conditional contexts so we hit it off, it can turn into real friendship. Though I’ve pigeonholed my topics now to Wellness, Beauty, and Leisure for easier reading (and the extra fun stuff that doesn’t belong to the 3), I still want to actively relate to you in the realest, rawest way as I’m doing now with this kind of free-flowing post. The kind of posts that doesn’t fit into any category.

In the same vein, before I have the kind of relationship I have with him now, I was practically crushing my soul into pieces and fitting them into neat boxes that I can blend into pre-existing cultures, niches, cliques – whatever you want to call it. Now, what I understand as part of my co-creating walk on earth with God, at least in my line of work with the blog, is that we’re supposed to be cultivating cultures instead of letting pre-existing cultures limit you.

I may not be the first blogger you look for if you want to know about the latest trend or fad or buzz, or the first platform you look to sell your products and/or services when you have zero marketing budget in your wallet, but this is the place for everything I love and that I’m grateful for in my life, and my hope is going through it inspires you to do the same. More important than that, I want to connect with you on a personal level, as with a friend who probably thinks through everything too much (thus the loooooong posts you see a lot), but the first that came to mind when you think of someone you can relate with, in the truest sense of the word. I believe it was Mahatma Gandhi who once said that everything that you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it. Any blogger will tell you that taking and editing pictures take more work than you think, and I honestly don’t enjoy it as much as I write. But for reasons I don’t know why, God is using me to keep this blog running all these years – probably because He knows I’m pretty consistent with my content (though obviously not so much with staying on topic). But it’s because he loved me first, and persistently so, that I’m eternally grateful for all that He does in my life.


You relating to this? Drop me a fellow looooooong reply if you do. Just scroll down a bit, and let it all out on the comments section below.



Follow on Bloglovin

or find me on


  1. if we’re talking Inside Out, he’s the joy to my sadness []
Posted on

How to be perfect


This one’s dedicated to the fellow idealists and believers. All verses are quoted from the English Standard Version (ESV) bible. I find them a sufficient reminder for life of what’s truly perfect and what’s not. Hope you find these verses helpful too.


1. My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world. (1 John 21:1-2)

2. Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? (Roman 6:16)

3. Then King Nebuchadnezzar was astonished and rose up in haste. He declared to his counselors, “Did we not cast three men bound into the fire?” They answered and said to the king, “True, O king.” He answered and said, “But I see four men unbound, walking in the midst of the fire, and they are not hurt; and the appearance of the fourth is like a son of the gods.”

Then Nebuchadnezzar came near to the door of the burning fiery furnace; he declared,“Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out, and come here!” Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego came out from the fire. And thesatraps, the prefects, the governors, and the king’s counselors gathered together and saw that the fire had not had any power over the bodies of those men. (Daniel 3:24-27)

4. But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:7-14)

5. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. (Ephesians 2:8-9)

6. Jesus said to him, “If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” (Matthew 19:21)

7. I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. (Romans 12:1-2)

8. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil. 

Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-23)

9. Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4)

10. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:27)

11. How can a young man keep his ways pure? By guarding it according to your word. With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments! (Psalms 119:9-10)

12. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. (James 4:17)

13. For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries. (Hebrews 10:26-27)

14. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. (1 John 4:18)

15. And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments. Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked. (1 John 21:3-6)

16. “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?

You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. (Matthew 5:43-48)


Got more bible verse(s) on becoming perfect? Add your own favorites on the comments section below.



Follow on Bloglovin

or find me on