It’s almost the end of April. How is everybody feeling?
Summer’s almost here. All over the world, men hail to the little girls in mini skirts and the sundresses. And all the ladies out there are feeling 10 times more self-conscious. Then again, it’s hard to get too depressed about your body image and drown yourself into self-pity, now that the sun is always out.
So, the easiest way out of that feeling is to become the ugly monster with green-colored glasses every time she looks at another woman.
I said that that’s the easiest way, but definitely not the best way.
Every woman, I believe, has felt that feeling. Even just a trace of it.
It’s not about being the fairest of them all, but fairer than most. Sociologists know from their numerous studies that what we want is not most of all, but more than the other fellow. The core of it all is a feeling of inadequacy. Some other woman has a better figure than you, better sense of style than you, better grades than you, whiter teeth than yours, and has a puppy while you don’t. Whether or not you’re attached, there’s always a high chance that get jealous now and then. Because we can’t help it – women are naturally competitive with each other. Why? Biologically speaking, a woman has got a lot more to lose than when a man competes with another man. A man may lose his pride, his ego, his reputation. But a woman, when she loses, she loses her girlfriend clan (support), her territories (comfort zone), her center stage (attention), her sense of security (well, security), and the most precious of all, her confidence.
The who’s-better-than-who game we never mention but all girls secretly play can only bring out the worst in you. If you don’t accept that green-eyed monster and admit it for what it is, by its ugly name and ugly form, you’ll never get over that feeling, and you’ll never move on, and you’ll never feel better, get better, be better.
Certainly, avoiding it will never make it go away.
I thought I could avoid it. But the longer time goes by, the bigger it grows. The easiest way out is to get it out of your system.
In my past entry when I last touched upon jealousy, Wasted calories on envy, first thing I reflect upon was this sentence that I wrote: But we’re human beings after all – we can’t control our feelings. No, we can control our feelings. It’s hard, but we can tame our negative emotions. That’s what high-EQ people have and what neurotic people like me lack of. Writing things down in my diary or in this blog like I’m doing right now usually lets me assess my mind and then reflect upon it, so that I can see clearly what I can change and what I need to work on. Jealousy is just there, stepping on you, and waiting for you to accept him. He’s just an ugly monster who can only be defeated if you accept his feelings. Once you’ve accepted him, he will always become a part of you, staying there with you for the rest of your life, reminding you that you can always improve yourself, and guiding you to the people you admire so that you will keep on being motivated by your natural spirits.
I also wrote: I feel jealous. And whenever I do, I never show it, express it to the person I like, or even admit it – not even to myself. Now that I’m admitting it and starting to accept it, even just writing it down in this blog entry and exploring the core of it without denying it, I already felt better. The more I think about it, the more I let go of the things I desire for now and become motivated to target those long-term goals, like owning a car, getting a job that I love and at the same time to make for a living, and of course that summer beach body I’m still working at. It’s only been a little over a week since I cooked all my meals at home and never spend a dime outside on food. I didn’t even visit the gym for the whole month. But I lost weight easier right now than when I was on my 33-day diet. Maybe it’s because that great feeling after I made something in the kitchen, and then when I crave for something outside, like a tiramisu or something, the first thing I did wasn’t going out to buy it, but look for its recipe. So, yes, now a secret has been revealed: I’m planning to make tiramisu cake. Specifically, a strawberry tiramisu cake. But that will be much later in the future. I still have a lot of mushrooms and cheese in my pantry.
Last but not least, I also wrote down these words: Basically, the whole idea of being jealous is thinking that the other has what you don’t. And what I don’t have right now until the end of the next 4 months is the time to shine. I literally can count now how many days left until this semester ends. It’ll be exactly 18 days from today. And a week after that will be my graduation ceremony. And a couple more days after that ceremony, I will start my summer intersession semester, which is a fast-paced 3-week semester. Then a couple of days after those torturing 3 weeks, my summer semester will start. And my summer semester will end in 101 days from today. That will also be the day that I officially finish my lifetime education, as I don’t plan to earn a Master’s degree and decided to jump on the job-hunting bandwagon. Do you see the rush that I’m getting myself into? I’m speeding up my education precisely because I don’t want to be here. I feel obligated to be here (This is another story which I’ll cover on more in the future). I don’t have the desire to be here. I feel hopeless and dead inside whenever I’m far, far, far away from the people I love and care about.
On the flip side, though, since I’m far, far, far away from the people I love and care about, this is my time to prepare for that moment. I will only have the time to shine if I make that time. I know I will not sit around here forever and seclude myself from the world in this darkness, envying those people that have what I value most and all the things I treasure most.
Envy is narrow-minded. Envy does not see the big picture. Envy is only a small sphere of vision, as it only sees green, but in the ROYGBIV rainbow, in reality, there are also the colors red, orange, yellow, blue, indigo, and violet. The green-eyed is squeezed right at the center of vision. If you make that your focus, you won’t see the rainbow.
Plus, for those girlfriends and wives who often catch your beloved looking at another woman… it’s normal. It’s just one of those things we’re naturally attracted to, like Ryan Reynolds
abs smile. Besides, men are simple. Men are visual, so it’s easier to make a man and keep him happy compared to a man making and keeping his woman happy.
Victoria’s Secret models have always been my motivation. I flipped through Treasure Yourself many times, and here I’d like to share Miranda Kerr’s tips for dealing with jealousy:
- Identify what is making you jealous and why.
- Sit with it and accept it.
- Instead of focusing on the negative feeling jealousy can produce, look at it as an act of motivation. By doing this you will be less likely to concentrate on the things you don’t have and develop the drive to obtain the things you want.
- Take time to appreciate what you have.
- Get it out of your system. Write down how you feel, or talk to someone about it. This is better than letting these feelings bottle up where they can do more damage.
- Stop comparing yourself with others. Always keep in mind that everybody is different and unique in their own way. Make a conscious effort to think about your own good qualities and your own uniqueness.
- Be accepting of yourself.
There will always be someone smarter, funnier, prettier, taller, slimmer, kinder, wiser, more mature, more successful, more grounded, more godly than me. By that, I wish to improve myself in any way that I can so that I’m better person tomorrow and focus on what I already have today.
The answer, besides quitting making comparisons with others, is gratitude. Count your blessings. Focus on what you have been blessed with, whatever shines out of you most effortlessly. Of course, it’s easier said than done to remind yourself all of these things, especially when you’re put into fitting room full of Victoria’s Secret winged angels surrounding you, not that I have been in that kind of situation but it’s just worst-case scenario.
All you have to do to prevent the monster’s harmful effects on you is change your perspective: Change from that narrow-mindedness and widen your eyes. Yes, it’s difficult to see things when you only see the color green.
I believe that it’s just one of the things that grows over time as we gain more perspective in life and learn to grow with time, and I’ve still got plenty to learn about. Like the colors red, orange, yellow, blue, indigo, and violet.
This is a short I came across that made a huge impression on me. Brings back a lot of memories during my studies in Singapore. But I’m sure anyone born in the 80s and 90s can relate to this. Enjoy.