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Life Lately: Rambles and shambles





Think Like A Man


Lately, I’ve been learning that there is no substitute for family time – you have to plan it in order to have it.

The shape of stories
The shape of stories

I’ve rescheduled a lunch with my mom from last weekend to today, but I still haven’t got the chance to have that intimate dinner date with my dad when I suddenly got a really bad cold.

I see no point in saying out loud what I plan to do here, but what’s for sure is more time spent on relationships I value.

Until I really have done something, nothing is for sure. When it’s done, it’s then that I’m affirmed I’ve made or accomplished something. Until that happens, I feel it useless announcing anything that still rests as a figment of my current ebbing and flowing imagination.

Might as well having written none of the previous paragraphs.

I think that the writing process, which for me includes pre-writing, drafting, writing, revising, and a final revising, is like the CPU of all the new apps you downloaded into your reality, your life. Because this blog post is meant to be a stream-of-consciousness writing exercise, my brain is not primarily using logic to operate at the moment.

I know I’m just ruminating here. It’s just that today falls as a quadri-weekly Life Lately update on my calendar, which I’m thinking to discontinue immediately since you readers get nothing out of my roundabout rumination.

Gosh, I’m such a loser.

I can’t friggin’ think like a man because I know I have a flagging vajajay.


Act Like A Lady



Two years together and some more.

But sometimes, I really wish I can just disappear from the surface of the universe.

Sometimes, when I’m driving sleepy, I thought, if I get fatally hit by a car or a motor, will it still be my fault that I die? Because everything seems like I’m the one to blame. I blame myself for every friggin’ thing. It bugs me a lot that I can’t do something to change things.

When I told him that, he said, “You didn’t think of me? How do think I would feel if you’re not around?”

I’ve always assumed everyone would do fine, if not better, without me anyway. Does the existence of my physical self, through inhaling and exhaling, have to always provide value? What if sometimes I’m really a blank space? Or worse, a whole lotta mess?

If I have to choose to possess any one superpower ability, I’d choose the power to be invisible.

The only thing a woman can do while she’s alive on earth is to be the visionary, not a vision.

A woman may be subconsciously perceived as an object of male desire, but on the other hand, human beings are not made to be end-goals in the first place, but momentum-starters of myriad goals. There is no end to a living being because there are too much beginnings, too many possibilities to count. Perhaps all women should strive to have a strong will. Without her vision, men would be left without a purpose.

Then again if she does, she might at times feel she’s not worth achieving that valuable ideal. How do you esteem self-worth without feeding your ego? Is that why men tend to have bigger egos than women? So that we ladies can feed more than our own needs?

What if we are invisible? What if our caregiving deeds remain unnoticed? What if we remain quiet for the rest of our lives? What if we do the opposite and demand for attention instead? Do we automatically become labelled as an attention whore? At some point, are we ever going to get tired, so tired to care about our own selves, our own lives, and prefer to get hit by the car or the motor instead?

There is so much to care for.

Most of the time I am stoic in my present stance, but inside I’m a wreck composed of broken chords, mixed feelings, and tangled strands of thoughts all jumbled up into one rock-solid locked stance that once Stanley unlocks the key, every half-baked piece of shit will come out.

There must be some tall, invisible wall I’ve built up high and now stand so strongly, it feels real even though it’s imaginary. I’ve probably decorated its surroundings with flowers and vineyards so that, at least, this form of imprisonment is a prettier one than no adornments at all.

It’s times like these that I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.

Writing is real therapy.

But, as I said before, perhaps I’ll save Life Lately for my private diary from now on.


Look Like A Girl


Not doing so well, drastically lost most of my muscle mass.

I look like an old lady. Been eating a lot of crap lately. Not good.

Haven’t gone grocery shopping in ages. Haven’t cooked anything and it feels weird.

I smile less often than I used to.

I take myself too friggin’ seriously, that’s why this face is often frowning.

I need some makeup advice from nigahiga to get my blood pumping.


Work Like a Horse


I wish to work for my own boss, and I’m planning a specific set of workflow to compromise with her unwillingness to cooperate. Even though she’s vicious, unpredictable, shameless, perfectionistic, and tired all the time, she’s me.

A name-analysis service my mother ordered for when I was a little kid. Neither of us remember who the company was.
A name-analysis service my mother ordered for when I was a little kid. Neither of us remember who the company was.

You are what you think about. You are what you think about. You are what you think about. You are what you think about. You are what you think about. You are what you think about. You are what you think about. I’m muttering the words by heart. I think the words have sunk in.

I think about how money doesn’t determine the worth and value of a person. A person’s worth is determined by the person’s character.

I want peace and equality for everyone. I think I can change something but I can’t change anyone else but myself and my attitude first.

OK. ‘Nuff said. I’m rambling too much. NATO (No Action, Talk Only).




– Image courtesy of Alltop

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TGIF! {The 25th}

Benefits_of_Gratitude. JPEG



My 2013 began with a commitment to cultivate an attitude of gratitude.

I’ve been practicing the art of counting my blessings every Friday (such as this tower of roses I received and other manifestations of abundance not listed here). I believe that at any given circumstance, there is always hope. Always.


♡ The new bangs. They’re a constant reminder for me to lift my chin up.


♡ Stanley and I had a really pleasant day last Sunday, a due celebration for being together in the last 2 years. It’s such a joy to have that kind of time – close to a full 24 hours – to actually be yourself. No tolerating criticism, no coping with judgments, no need for hiding behind your masks, your quiet desperations to be who you truly are.


To me, Sunday, 21 June 2013, was a present perfect tense whereby two people spent time together being nobody else but their real selves. Which brings to …


♡  I’m grateful for the authentic relationships that I have. It’s rare to find these days.


♡ The fact that I’m learning something new everyday. Like the many life lessons dogs are capable of teaching humans.

Such a shame watching this video, when thinking about my flaws and all. Don’t know why my perfect 10 loves me, and it hurts even more when time does not permit me to do anything good to express my gratitude.


♡ Another perk of the ability to drive: I’m thankful for minimizing 10’s burdens, even just for a little (okay let’s just dub him 10 from now on – far simpler than a seven-letter word). On Sunday, during one of our heart-to-heart conversations, he let in a brief acknowledgement and said, “I’m thankful you can drive, babe.”

I can understand him better now. We’re still living in a third-world country with major social divides, and most girls need to stay safe by choosing not to drive and have drivers fetching them to and from their whereabouts. This means I save heaps of 10’s time, energy, and effort, considering the hours that can take him when and if he’s stuck in a congestion … just to fetch someone like me.


♡ Mangoes. So sour, so sweet – just what I can’t live without.


♡ Mint tea. A sip of the warmth brings om to the senses. Menthol really brings you to nirvana.


♡ Privacy. I’m grateful that God made us all so different from one another that nobody will ever truly understand each another and the effort each of us have put in into our major contribution to the world. He made us in such a way that we have to take a leap of faith in Him so that we must choose to put trust into one another, cooperate, and work together to prosper in the long run.

Looking at the Internet era we’re currently living in, the Ministries of Big Brother might become real, but I will never love him as I stand firm in truth.


♡ The TGIF! list. Look at the infographic below to see why.

Benefits_of_Gratitude. JPEG


♡ The human mind. It is a malleable tool for solving all kinds of problems, if we let it.


♡ Science. Having graduated from an art school, I learned that to live is to make art.

But, as da Vinci once said, art lives from constraints and dies from freedom

I am thankful for having all my basic human needs covered (i.e. food, shelter, and love), and also thankful for having the resources to go the extra mile and self-actualize. But nobody, not even me, truly knows the self’s fullest potential, as much as nobody will ever know the mysterious workings of God. In a sense, this freedom of having whatever I want and will myself to do, while having all my needs covered, is purposeless and therefore better concluded to an end.

In order to make sense of this existence, I’m grateful for the knowledge and insights the scientific community has provided for the general public. Facts and figures, as constraints, help the self to flourish in the art of living. With science and conscience, life becomes a continuum in which there exists an infinite number of means to meeting multiple sets of ends.

The illustration I did for 10 is an extension of my gratified self crystallized, then actualized, into reality.




Going long is not as bad as it looks.

He likes it :)
He likes it :)


♡ I know I’m getting too philosophical, but you, my reader, is just like me, an intelligent human being with a creative purpose. It feels great for me to have you listening to my words.

In real life, I tend to keep myself quiet and just listen. But when it comes to writing, I believe I’m making a dent in the world somehow.


What is your dent? What are the little things, or the big ones, you’re grateful for this week?


Share your stories in section below, and hope you have a merry weekend :)




 – Image courtesy of Golden Eagles Coaching

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A 6 week plan: On Western thinking and Eastern healing, part 1



Here I am, just had my third bottle of Gold Label Bak Foong Pill. I had my second bottle last Thursday.

As for the case of my mood, I’m wearing my usual frown a lot lately, which was the baseline expression I’ve adopted since those 11 months without period in 2011, when life got the better of me.

The frown was also the expression I was not conscious of before my boyfriend started pointing it out during our first few dates in the relationship. He thought I need to smile more often. He said I look better in a smile.

So I smile often over time.

But I can’t friggin’ smile if I have to fake it. I can’t tolerate living a lie. For some reason, this is a very mean and very sad world. There is too much secrecy that the basic notion of transparency, and its embodiment, seems alien.

I detest these cover-ups. I loathe them because they cause blindness in people, weakening their conscience.

I digress.

No matter how shrewd people can get, no matter how bad these Machiavellian tactics could change things, my only wish is for them not to affect me in such a way that would hurt the people I would give up my life for.

It’s tough when you don’t give a shit about yourself, but have your most important people saying to you, “your happiness is our happiness.”

Bottom line: I have too much thoughts lately.

I expect my period to arrive by the second week of July nonetheless.

I’m doing this because I really have no purpose staying alive other than being of service to others whenever I’m called to write. In order to function optimally, there is no other way than to take curative and preventive care of my wellbeing, or notably referred to as quality of life.

Without further ado, let’s get my personal notes over with, then we can move on to probe the efficacy of the Bak Foong Pills:


      1. Thursday, 13 June, 2013: Didn’t have enough sleep the other night probably because I ate too much sugared ginger and drank sugary instant drinks, namely hot chocolate and teh tarik, and a whole lot of chocolate bars and Medjooli dates. Even when I eat so much for the past few weeks, sleep less than I usually do, and workout so much less often than I used to, my weight is still declining at a rapid rate, of reasons I don’t know of. My head hurts like hell. I don’t feel productive.
      2. Thursday, 20 June, 2013: Didn’t get sufficient sleep the other night but have been feeling a little better than last Thursday. Weight is back to normal and head hurts much, much less. Feel a bit more productive. More temperate mood climate throughout the day, though still a lot of worrying, frowning, and unconsciously contracting my brows while scrutinizing facts.
      3. Thursday, 27 June, 2013: Had sufficient sleep. Weight remains normal. Head’s still ringing in the mornings. Feel more productive then last week. Too much frowning, too much skepticism, too much worrying about the world than caring for myself.
      4. Thursday, 4 July, 2013: TBA
      5. Thursday, 11 July, 2013: TBA
      6. Thursday, 18 July, 2013: TBA


So. The label itself claims that the Bak Foong Pill is “traditionally used for health, stomachache, malnutrition after childbirth and regulating menstrual ailments.”

Formulated with traditional Chinese herbs, the Bak Foong Pill has long been said to treat all sorts of gynecological disorders. In general, Chinese women believe that these little black balls can be taken as a tonic to promote vitality, as well as a remedy to relief menstrual discomforts.

The concoction is comprised of the following ingredients:


    1. Radix Angelicae Sinensis (633.05 mg)
    2. Cortex Eucommiae (633.05 mg)
    3. Cortex  Cinnamomi (188.81 mg)
    4. Folium Artemisiae Argyi (710.80 mg)
    5. Rhizoma Corydalis (944.03 mg)
    6. Radix Astragali (1266.11 mg)
    7. Radix Ginseng (310.98 mg)
    8. Radix Paeoniae Alba (766.33 mg)
    9. Radix Polygalae (633.05 mg)
    10. Semen Sesami Nigrum (477.57 mg)
    11. Fructus Amomi (499.78 mg)
    12. Faeces Trogopterori (944.03 mg)
    13. Cornu Cervi Pantatrichum (310.98 mg)
    14. Rhizoma Ligustici Chuanxiong (477.57 mg)
    15. Rhizoma Atractylodis Macrocephalae (310.98 mg)
    16. Poria (633.05 mg)
    17. Rhizoma Cyperi (633.05 mg)
    18. Herba Leonuri (710.80 mg)
    19. Mel (2916.98 mg)


There hasn’t been much evidence on the Bak Foong Pill’s effectiveness on regulating menstruation, or any of the much-hyped potencies. Due to my natural skepticism, I managed to avoid my mother’s nags to take these pills for years. Even to this day when the Western world is shifting much of its practices toward Eastern philosophy, especially in medicine, I still doubt the effectiveness of herbal healing for the sole reason that there hasn’t been much research done on the subject.

However, I choose to trust my mother more than science.

After all, she still looks like an older sister more than she is like a mother to most everyone we meet.

TIME’s 2002 insider on herbal healing covers promising evidences of Bak Foong’s health-promoting benefits, as well as the following Qingdao University finding.




According to the 2003 study published on Biological & Pharmaceutical Bulletin, researchers found that the Bak Foong Pills gender-specifically stimulate the amygdala’s release of dopamine on female mice, which is a potent finding for further investigation aimed to reduce women’s risks of developing Parkinson’s disease.

As part of the human limbic system (sort of the orchestrator of the sleepy and moody endocrine system), the almond-shaped amygdalas are, essentially, the CPU of emotions. It’s always getting feedback from other regions of the brain, so that you, the user of your brain, is always learning.

The soul of the amygdala, as it processes emotions, means creating new or tighter associations with other regions of the brain so that, ultimately, these influences determine behavior and form long-term memory. Dopamine, a neurotransmitter that plays a big role in the amygdala and closely associated to reward-seeking behaviors, becomes active when you feel that sense of high after accomplishing a goal, when you’ve founding something that really motivates you, or when you sniff cocaine.

How exactly did the Bak Foong Pills do it? Nobody knows. Do they have the same effect on humans as they did on mice? Nobody knows.

But there’s no adverse side effects of its dosage that I know of, whether through word-of-mouth or my knowledge based on its research within the scientific literature.

To that, I will be back with my fourth bottle next Thursday to learn more about the individual ingredients of these pills, as to me, they’re pretty weird and disgusting-sounding (deer antler … flying squirrel poop …).




– Image courtesy of Trends in Neurosciences