Sunday, 29 April 2012
Takes you back in time when pharaohs feasted on farro, combined with the richness of our modern-day Middle Eastern curry flavor. Taste the nuttiness of this rare grain with the tenderness of lentils in this scrumptious dish.
Sunday, 29 April 2012
Takes you back in time when pharaohs feasted on farro, combined with the richness of our modern-day Middle Eastern curry flavor. Taste the nuttiness of this rare grain with the tenderness of lentils in this scrumptious dish.
It’s almost the end of April. How is everybody feeling?
Summer’s almost here. All over the world, men hail to the little girls in mini skirts and the sundresses. And all the ladies out there are feeling 10 times more self-conscious. Then again, it’s hard to get too depressed about your body image and drown yourself into self-pity, now that the sun is always out.
So, the easiest way out of that feeling is to become the ugly monster with green-colored glasses every time she looks at another woman.
I said that that’s the easiest way, but definitely not the best way.
Every woman, I believe, has felt that feeling. Even just a trace of it.
It’s not about being the fairest of them all, but fairer than most. Sociologists know from their numerous studies that what we want is not most of all, but more than the other fellow. The core of it all is a feeling of inadequacy. Some other woman has a better figure than you, better sense of style than you, better grades than you, whiter teeth than yours, and has a puppy while you don’t. Whether or not you’re attached, there’s always a high chance that get jealous now and then. Because we can’t help it – women are naturally competitive with each other. Why? Biologically speaking, a woman has got a lot more to lose than when a man competes with another man. A man may lose his pride, his ego, his reputation. But a woman, when she loses, she loses her girlfriend clan (support), her territories (comfort zone), her center stage (attention), her sense of security (well, security), and the most precious of all, her confidence.
The who’s-better-than-who game we never mention but all girls secretly play can only bring out the worst in you. If you don’t accept that green-eyed monster and admit it for what it is, by its ugly name and ugly form, you’ll never get over that feeling, and you’ll never move on, and you’ll never feel better, get better, be better.
Certainly, avoiding it will never make it go away.
I thought I could avoid it. But the longer time goes by, the bigger it grows. The easiest way out is to get it out of your system.
In my past entry when I last touched upon jealousy, Wasted calories on envy, first thing I reflect upon was this sentence that I wrote: But we’re human beings after all – we can’t control our feelings. No, we can control our feelings. It’s hard, but we can tame our negative emotions. That’s what high-EQ people have and what neurotic people like me lack of. Writing things down in my diary or in this blog like I’m doing right now usually lets me assess my mind and then reflect upon it, so that I can see clearly what I can change and what I need to work on. Jealousy is just there, stepping on you, and waiting for you to accept him. He’s just an ugly monster who can only be defeated if you accept his feelings. Once you’ve accepted him, he will always become a part of you, staying there with you for the rest of your life, reminding you that you can always improve yourself, and guiding you to the people you admire so that you will keep on being motivated by your natural spirits.
I also wrote: I feel jealous. And whenever I do, I never show it, express it to the person I like, or even admit it – not even to myself. Now that I’m admitting it and starting to accept it, even just writing it down in this blog entry and exploring the core of it without denying it, I already felt better. The more I think about it, the more I let go of the things I desire for now and become motivated to target those long-term goals, like owning a car, getting a job that I love and at the same time to make for a living, and of course that summer beach body I’m still working at. It’s only been a little over a week since I cooked all my meals at home and never spend a dime outside on food. I didn’t even visit the gym for the whole month. But I lost weight easier right now than when I was on my 33-day diet. Maybe it’s because that great feeling after I made something in the kitchen, and then when I crave for something outside, like a tiramisu or something, the first thing I did wasn’t going out to buy it, but look for its recipe. So, yes, now a secret has been revealed: I’m planning to make tiramisu cake. Specifically, a strawberry tiramisu cake. But that will be much later in the future. I still have a lot of mushrooms and cheese in my pantry.
Last but not least, I also wrote down these words: Basically, the whole idea of being jealous is thinking that the other has what you don’t. And what I don’t have right now until the end of the next 4 months is the time to shine. I literally can count now how many days left until this semester ends. It’ll be exactly 18 days from today. And a week after that will be my graduation ceremony. And a couple more days after that ceremony, I will start my summer intersession semester, which is a fast-paced 3-week semester. Then a couple of days after those torturing 3 weeks, my summer semester will start. And my summer semester will end in 101 days from today. That will also be the day that I officially finish my lifetime education, as I don’t plan to earn a Master’s degree and decided to jump on the job-hunting bandwagon. Do you see the rush that I’m getting myself into? I’m speeding up my education precisely because I don’t want to be here. I feel obligated to be here (This is another story which I’ll cover on more in the future). I don’t have the desire to be here. I feel hopeless and dead inside whenever I’m far, far, far away from the people I love and care about.
On the flip side, though, since I’m far, far, far away from the people I love and care about, this is my time to prepare for that moment. I will only have the time to shine if I make that time. I know I will not sit around here forever and seclude myself from the world in this darkness, envying those people that have what I value most and all the things I treasure most.
Envy is narrow-minded. Envy does not see the big picture. Envy is only a small sphere of vision, as it only sees green, but in the ROYGBIV rainbow, in reality, there are also the colors red, orange, yellow, blue, indigo, and violet. The green-eyed is squeezed right at the center of vision. If you make that your focus, you won’t see the rainbow.
Plus, for those girlfriends and wives who often catch your beloved looking at another woman… it’s normal. It’s just one of those things we’re naturally attracted to, like Ryan Reynolds
abs smile. Besides, men are simple. Men are visual, so it’s easier to make a man and keep him happy compared to a man making and keeping his woman happy.
Victoria’s Secret models have always been my motivation. I flipped through Treasure Yourself many times, and here I’d like to share Miranda Kerr’s tips for dealing with jealousy:
– Identify what is making you jealous and why.
- Sit with it and accept it.
- Instead of focusing on the negative feeling jealousy can produce, look at it as an act of motivation. By doing this you will be less likely to concentrate on the things you don’t have and develop the drive to obtain the things you want.
- Take time to appreciate what you have.
- Get it out of your system. Write down how you feel, or talk to someone about it. This is better than letting these feelings bottle up where they can do more damage.
- Stop comparing yourself with others. Always keep in mind that everybody is different and unique in their own way. Make a conscious effort to think about your own good qualities and your own uniqueness.
- Be accepting of yourself.
There will always be someone smarter, funnier, prettier, taller, slimmer, kinder, wiser, more mature, more successful, more grounded, more godly than me. By that, I wish to improve myself in any way that I can so that I’m better person tomorrow and focus on what I already have today.
The answer, besides quitting making comparisons with others, is gratitude. Count your blessings. Focus on what you have been blessed with, whatever shines out of you most effortlessly. Of course, it’s easier said than done to remind yourself all of these things, especially when you’re put into fitting room full of Victoria’s Secret winged angels surrounding you, not that I have been in that kind of situation but it’s just worst-case scenario.
All you have to do to prevent the monster’s harmful effects on you is change your perspective: Change from that narrow-mindedness and widen your eyes. Yes, it’s difficult to see things when you only see the color green.
I believe that it’s just one of the things that grows over time as we gain more perspective in life and learn to grow with time, and I’ve still got plenty to learn about. Like the colors red, orange, yellow, blue, indigo, and violet.
Learn a new word today. Look for its definition, then write a prose with it. In a year, you’re going to pat yourself on the back having learned 365 words into your vocabulary with firm understanding.
Either you’re brainwashed by the media or you’re crazy enough to actually want to become the ame-damnee of society. It’s trendy to starve amongst catwalk models. It’s cool to binge. Barf all you want, smoke all the joints – but it’s not cool when you deprive yourself of the life you really want, girl.
Stay hungry, stay foolish, Steve Jobs said – but only for the satiety that life brings back to you when you’ve given your blood, sweat, and tears to the world. Leave your body and soul to yourself. Put them to good use.
Friday, 27 April 2012
Impress your boyfriend on a weeknight date: Feed him bites of this savory spinach, with the extra cheese on top and its cheesy filling inside. Score.
Oprah wrote this about men…
1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
2. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.
3. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be.
6. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
7. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends”.
8. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend. Don’t settle.
9. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
10. Don’t stay because you think “it will get better”.
11. You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
12. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
13. Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
14. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
15. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
16. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
17. If something bothers you, speak up.
18. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
19. You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.
20. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are…even if he has more education or in a better job.
21. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
22. Never let a man define who you are.
23. Never borrow someone else’s man.
24. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.
25. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
26. All men are NOT dogs.
27. You should not be the one doing all the bending…compromise is a two way street.
28. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage… Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
29. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you… a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals… look for someone complimentary. ..not supplementary.
30. Dating is fun…even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.
31. Make him miss you sometimes… when a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him – he takes it for granted.
32. Never move into his mother’s house.
33. Never co-sign for a man.
34. Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need.
35. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Today was an ordinary day. For some reason, my energy levels feel pretty steady throughout the day. In fact, ever since I’ve started cooking again for everything I eat since the beginning of the week, I’ve been getting rid of stools consistently everyday and didn’t spend a dime outside of the house for food. Now it’s all coming back to me, the feeling of saving so much money and the pride you feel after making each meal in my little apartment kitchen.
Anyway, I was at the mall trying out some dresses when I finally found The One. I have a wedding to attend in Bali this coming September, and I’m still finding The One, the perfect dress for an amazing evening I’ll have at an outdoor wedding. The place is so cool (although I’ve never been there before), the church floats above an infinity pool. I have always been fascinated by infinity pools. Since I was young, I can spend hours browsing on the Internet just looking at pictures of infinity pools.
From Kiwi Collection
So, back to the story. I was trying on dresses upon dresses at BCBG, where I shop most of my party dresses (along with Bebe and Marciano). I’ve always loved these places because of how their clothes fit on my body. But what comes after that is their customer service. These shops tend to have saleswomen who genuinely assists your shopping experience. They study your body type and style, and then they pick out dresses that turn out to look better on you than you thought they would. And that’s what happened to me today. And the dress was on sale.
I won’t be posting up pictures of the dress here, because it’s supposed to be a surprise until that night for my boyfriend. Everytime we attend these kinds of events, I’ll surprise my look and he tells me which look looks best so far. The first time I saw him all dressed up in suit and wearing no glasses, in my heart I was dumbstruck. SO HANDSOME LAH. My bf is so handsome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I texted my best friend C.
Anyway, the lady at BCBG who kept assisting me, I remember her name was Julie. It’s the store that’s located in Westfield mall at downtown San Francisco. Actually, all the saleswomen there were really helpful. At the end of the day, I discovered that I look best in salmon color. I’ve always thought everybody looks good, younger, happier, and just brighter in yellow, but it turns out that everybody is unique in their very own ways :)
Then I went to my evening class. It’s a creative writing class, which I enjoyed. We get to talk, discuss, share, and review stories among each other. At the end of the class, I chatted a bit with my teacher. It’s been a while since I’ve engaged myself in these kinds of conversations. He lived in Indonesia for a while back in the 80s, and it’s just nice that someone over here actually appreciates my culture. Although terrible things are happening right now, the economy is thriving and the country’s developing at such rapid rate, and that’s what made Jakarta a metropolitan. But he, my teacher, was interested in the secluded islands all across our country. It’s funny how the lingering problems underlying a nation are both a gift and a curse at the same time. Interfaith issues can never be solved unless everyone of us remind each other that Indonesia was founded under Pancasila’s principles:
1. Belief in the one and only God
2. Just and civilized humanity
3. the unity of Indonesia
4. Democracy guided by the inner wisdom in the unanimity arising out of deliberations amongst representatives .
5. Social justice for all the people of Indonesia.
And we’re notoriously known for our corruptness and interfaith conflicts and notably traffic jams.
Fortunately, because of where I come from, I’ve grown to respect all religions out there. We have Hindus, Buddhists, Christians, Catholics, and the largest Muslim population in the world. Yet, for such a colorful country filled with people from all kinds of spiritual paths, it’s amazing how we can still stand as one.
Anyway, we touched upon lots of subjects like places where nature dominates the environment (Carmel, Yosemite, Sausalito, etc) and Japanese writers and the San Francisco literary beat movement. Lots of stuff to go back home and think through, which is exactly what I’m doing right now.
Back then, freedom of expression looks nothing like today. Most of us have blogs now where we can talk about anything and everything we want, using any kind of language we want. Foul, vulgar words are used publicly. I’m thankful too that everything’s becoming more flexible when it comes to self-expression: Your strong opinions get the chance to stand out as they are. You are no longer limited by the laws made out there.
So the idea that our dreams, imaginations, and creativity can take us to places we never thought of can help me guide through my struggles in this week’s assignments: a travel essay, personal discussion on some short memoirs we got in class, a reader’s response to one essay assigned, and my very own short memoir. That’s a bunch of stuff, but this is a lot of windows where my opinions can stand for itself and shine! And that’s the best thing about writing. You have to stand up for what you believe in. As you go along, from word to word, the process of writing starts to become a journey of self-discovery. And then you share your stories with people, and people will give back more stories to you that they’ve lived out, and that adds vibrance to your life.
When you think about it, it’s almost like everyday when you get out of the house, you’re performing a play.Every day we act in a certain way, we dress in a certain style, and you being the amazingly unique you that you are, verbalizing the words you would normally say and doing the things you would normally do. It’s all in the script, and God is constantly editing it behind your back. That’s how you see positive changes going on in your life, right?
Hello, peeps. No, not another photo stream post from spring break. Just random stuff I’m going to mention. But I’m warning beforehand that today’s post is going to be a little too philosophical, spiritual, or whatever you want to call it. So if you’re snacking on Dorritos while reading this, save this page on your Reading List and read it some time later.
Let’s do a warmup first. By warmup I mean story that requires no critical thinking and understanding.
Some kiddo attempted to snatch a lady’s mobile phone right before he got off the bus. The lady was sitting right across me and just beside the exit door. The lady’s been texting on her phone throughout the ride and it was only then that she looked up. She held on to it so tightly that the kiddo did not succeed. He got off the bus and the people on the bus were like, what was that all about?
I was the only person on the line of empty seats beside me that the lady can turn her face onto. She was waving a quick goodbye to the kid, saying, “Nice try!”. And then she turned to look and me and laughing. She said, “It happened to my husband once. The key is to lock your phone with a password.”
And then she went on: “There have been a lot of these things happening on the MUNI.”
“Really? This is the first time I’ve ever witnessed something like this,” I replied.
“Yeah? Believe me, this happens a lot.”
And then she got off the bus, and I thanked her for the locking phone advice.
Well, turns out it doesn’t matter whether I’m far in the States or back in the terrorist-filled Jakarta, my hometown – I’ve got to be careful all the time.
First of all, I confess that I’m really inspired by Xia Xue for her courageousness in speaking her heart out – all out. Not a lot of people out there dares to speak their minds. Instead, they prioritize other people’s standards and then compromise themselves. Then they get on creating a fake self and suffered through it for the rest of their lives.
I think most women have felt that way from a degree to another. We feel like we have to please everybody around us, when deep down we know one fact that we can never please every one. We try to become the perfect girl, the perfect housewife, the perfect mother, the perfect employee, the straight-A student, and everything else society demands of us to exhaust our energy and for what? What do you get out of trying to please every single one on earth you’ve met?
Popularity for one, fame for two. Does that change anything, really?
The theme of the day, for me, is security. Doesn’t matter what form of security it is – everybody needs to feel secure. Financial-wise, emotional-wise. When parents nurture self-esteem to their kids from they were young, they would grow up to become a more secure person. Consequently they will manage better at budgeting their allowances to invest in things that will bring more income to himself than to spend impulsive buys and didn’t save a dime, didn’t give a minute to think about retirement, didn’t give a shit about eternity.
Funny how on this chilly night I skipped a few chapters ahead of Rick Warren’s best-seller, The Purpose Driven Life, and turn to the pages when he talks about us being God’s pleasure and how to earn His smile.
Bear with me for a moment on the subject.
Confession number two: I was born and raised as a nonreligious Buddhist. My identity card says I’m Buddhist. I’m not a baptized Christian, nor am I a devout practitioner of the Buddhist philosophy. I’m completely aware right now that I’m touching on a very sensitive subject here – religion. But I’ll just go with it. Everybody needs to speak their hearts out and express themselves. This blog has became that way, to some degree. I’d just like to share the joy of bringing smiles on other people’s faces. (More on my plans to get baptized in future posts. Just a point to note: faith and religion are two very different things).
Not meaning to confuse you in different contexts, but earlier today, during my morning class, I had one of those heated arguments with my boyfriend, whom I’ve grown to care a lot now. It’s vexing when you don’t hear a single word from those you care about throughout the day, probably just like my mom misses me and calls me religiously every week (but only once, because I know that she knows I’m busy with my final projects right now). I get that feeling now. My boyfriend felt that way during my first leave to San Francisco back in September. We got together last June, when we spent two beautiful months together, just starting out as a couple. Those first few months trying out the long distance thing with him made him feel insecure and super uncomfortable every time he doesn’t hear from me, and now I get that feeling. You literally can’t do anything else but think about them and how they’re doing, especially when you know they’re ill or just not feeling well that day.
The thing is, last night, which was his morning, he was just starting to feel better but he needed to go to work immediately, because the day before, he took leave. I didn’t know he went to work yesterday, and I didn’t know whether last night he slept as well as he needed for his immune system to recover, and whether it will make him function well at work. I didn’t hear a thing. And being the stubborn me that I am, my face is too thick-skinned to text or call him first. (Well, this is a whole new story, but long story short: I had never been the one calling or texting him first. In a ratio of 1:10 is the number of times I text/call him first as to him calling/texting me first. It’s not that I was thick-skinned – it’s just that I don’t really bother that much unless we really have something interesting and/or important to talk about).
So he did BBMed me, but his replies were so late. He was so busy. I was busy too last night doing my last-minute touchups for this morning’s class, but I couldn’t continue until I get some reassurance from him, some news from him. Yesterday we had a really bad connection. Skype went down, his BB hangs a lot, his Android has errors too and every call we got through, we only made it in bouts of 30-second “Hello” and “Can you hear me?”. I was so frustrated with all these electronic devices – just that I blamed it all on my boyfriend. Poor guy.
The core of the problem is not the electronic devices, or the fact that long-distance relationships are hard, or that it was bad timing to make calls because I was supposed to be drawing and he was supposed to be speaking with his client – the problem was made immediately when I blamed him, and the core of it was because of my insecurities.
Things you grew up with, they stick with you throughout your lifetime. I’ll just be honest here. My family and our relationships are really weird. But that’s not the main point in today’s context. The point is, my parents are no longer speaking to each other. The only reason they’re still together is my eldest brother, my second brother, and myself. They don’t talk at all, but when they do, it has to be something about either one of the three of us. Whether it’s because I need extra money for something, or that my grandfather’s ill so he needs some hospital fees. Other than that, they don’t talk. The weird thing is, they still sleep on the same bed.
Well, it’s not weird. Where else would my dad sleep?
I never had a father figure ever since I was young. My dad is always traveling and always busy with his work. In my childhood I can only remember him as my dad who buys me Polly Pockets, Barbie dolls, and pretty jigsaw puzzles whenever I get an A in my exams. Also, whatever I ask for, he will buy it. My mother, however, had never wanted to raise spoiled kids, so, of course we all have our limitations.
In the end, I didn’t become a spoiled kid, fortunately. On the contrary, I became a person who doesn’t ask for things and expect things to come by passively. Why? Because my dad has one habit my mother never fails to speak ill about: You have to nag at him in order for him to do things. Nag him three times is not enough. Nag him 100 times and he’ll take the first step. So every time I need my living cost for the month here, I need to tell him about one or two months ahead of time. Over time, I just became lazy to ask for money because it’ll come late and by then, the luxury bag I was eyeing for doesn’t seem that appealing to me anymore. So I just buy things I need. (Don’t be silly, of course I do treat myself now and then). But here’s the point – I don’t feel secure financial-wise. I know I can have it – asking anything I want and get it (because my daddy buys anything I want for me, seriously), but I’ll have to go through the nagging and stuff.
I don’t like nagging. No woman on earth likes nagging, even if they do it it’s for the nagged person’s own good. But that’s the core of who I am – I don’t bother, I don’t care much, and I don’t feel nagging is a good use of my time, unless I really need to do that. Same like money – I’ll just ask him for the amount of money that I need, not the amount I want – the grand total to support my everyday living cost, PLUS another amount I saved on the side, for emergencies (just in case, you’ll never know). So that saved amount piles up. It keeps increasing every time I asked him for his support to pay for my cost of living here. That savings right there, built up dollar to dollar, is the sum of what I call a sense of security I earned. It is only through that savings account that I feel secure, even though the amount of living cost is really enough.
Same goes with the insecurities I talked about earlier in the context of the quarrel with my boy. I blamed him for everything he does. I fear a lot of things that never happened, and I never really take in his compliments on me because I don’t feel worthy enough. It’s the nonexistent self-esteem I’ve grown up with all my life. I never really feel it’s worth to spend time asking for things, begging for things, and as time goes by, I conclude my human desires as if they are wrong, and that I’m not really that worthy enough for anything at all. Who am I to ask?
I needed to get an A for my test to drop hints, not to ask. And I keep creating all these beliefs that I’m not worthy enough to get anything I want. Even though all these things have changed a lot as I grew up, some of those insecurities sticked with me. Especially the ones that my mother passed along to me.
My mother is a very naggy person and super anxious about things that never happened. She also likes to think about the “What if”s – the bad situations that can happen. Any possible way I can protect myself from anything, even if it’s immoral, she’ll ask me to do it.
Naturally, my spirit became rebellious. I was and am still the most rebellious kid in the house. But that’s another different story too.
I am more willing to take risks than she does – about ten times more willing. When I asked her whether I can climb Mount Kilimanjaro with a friend, she shouted back at me with her loud Medanese accent: “No lah! You idiot, you can die!”
But most other times, since I’m the youngest, I still am too young to make money and earn income to support my home, and the constant reminder that I still need my dad to support me financially… It doesn’t make me feel worthy at all.
Likewise, today’s society demands us individuals more things than ever before. Good looks, social status, and good family background are all a must. The pressures have been too high for me because I’m growing more self-aware through these daily bombardments of how you should be, how to please everyone, and why you must multitask while balance every aspect of your life.
During our quarrel this morning, I told my boy: “Unless I’m a Victoria’s Secret model, I will always feel insecure.” Hey, nobody cheats on VS models, or take advantage of them. They’re just angels, right?
- Image courtesy of Celeb Guru
And I blamed it all on him for making me love and care for him now, compared to the ignorant me when we were just getting to know each other. It felt good to be carefree – but let me tell you today that it’s worth much more to care more.
Not just others, but yourself.
Obviously I realize that I need an attitude adjustment. In the confidence department, I can list 100 things I don’t like about myself while others in my life can list down, on top of that, hundreds upon hundreds more lists that are bad about me.
However, I truly believe that having real confidence – not the fake-it-til-you-make-it kind – requires a 100% faith and trust in God. I can trust my gut instincts and stuff, but not a whole confident up to 100%, because no matter what, I’m still a human being with errs. I believe He embodies all the goodness of things, and whatever deal it is you’ve made with Him will become a good deal for yourself. With that, you’ll have confidence in yourself and in all the things you do. That will really solve the whole issue of being insecure.
The second thing I realized was that we all have the possibility to channel our desire to please everyone and only direct it to one dude – God.
All the while during my years of singlehood, I’ve been looking for the one whom I can put my trust on and someone worthy for me to serve through a lifetime. I have a huge desire to surrender to someone I can wholeheartedly trust. Now that will give me all the security I need to last for a lifetime.
A potential husband, to me, has to have godly qualities. One of that, above all, is loving. Consistently, my boyfriend is that type of man, which was one of the many reasons why I chose him, why I kept on sticking with him. I had a tremendous desire to cook delicious meals that I’m proud of making and satisfy the belly of my future husband, from whom I will get praises about my cooking and then we can make love later one (hehe).
One thing we human beings must always remember (but I myself always forget) is that every one we meet on earth are human beings. They have flaws like you do. Things don’t always go the way we want them to, and people sometimes act the way you don’t want them to. When you have such a huge desire to please another soul and be pleased with yourself at the same time, the solution I found today is: Make that pleasure God.
I know right now as I’m typing these words down and later on when I go to bed and close my eyes to sleep He’s watching me and will be watching after me, as always. As I do with earthly people, I have that low self-esteem too during my conversations with God. I rarely feel worthy asking for things. I never ask for anything.
But He’s given me so many skills that I don’t know what to do and what to use them for. When it comes to the workplace, they definitely pay. But is paycheck the only purpose of doing these things, performing my skills? Isn’t that inflating my ego?
And then the argument with my boyfriend ended up with us talking about trust. I haven’t trusted him as much as he trusts me, and that’s because of who he is, of what he does to me.
For reasons I will never understand. Just like how I can never understand how God loves me, God loves you, and every single one on the surface of the earth.
And Rick Warren reminds me today that understanding can always come later. Obeying first, and understand the rule later. Obeying shows that we trust God and that we love Him.
And a voice inside me tells me today that whenever I want to cook up a really delicious meal or make a super cute illustration of a pig, just for the joy of giving the pleasure for someone I love and care about, make it Him instead above everyone else. That’ll make Him smile.
Sigh. A lot of times I’ve disobeyed Him, doubted Him.
A lot of times I’ve misunderstood my boyfriend, doubted my boyfriend.
A lot of times I’ve been unkind to myself, doubted myself.
Thankful for His grace. Thankful He’s got my back. Thankful for His mercy and forgiveness for every stupid things I’ve ever thought about.
No doubts. Just trust. Obey and follow through. That’s the whole point of pleasing.
This is going to be the last batch of photos taken by my boyfriend. We didn’t take much photos that day. That night, we went to dine at The Melting Pot at San Mateo. I completely forgot where I first dined their to-die-for fondues, but it wasn’t the one at San Mateo. Still, I can never forget the taste since I fell in love with it at first bite.
Photography by Stanley Widjaja
(photoshopped by Stacia Priscilla)
It’s only been a little more than a week after my Spring Break. My boyfriend was only here for 2 weeks. We did so many things, seen so many things, been to so many places in such a short time. That’s why right now it all feels like a dream. As if nothing was real.
But all these photos are real.
I’m so grateful because not many people have this kind of love.
Every passing day counts me down to the day I will go back to my hometown forever. When I first got back here since my winter break, it was 200+ days left. Now it’s approaching 100.
Let me keep on persevering through these piles of homework. My future will be decided in its own time. I want to try not to overthink things. Isn’t that why people become worrisome and anxious and then depressed?
At least that’s how I was.