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January 2012
Summary of workout today: Some hip exercises. 45-minutes elliptical machine resistance training.
It feels great to be stronger. I slept really soundly last night. I woke up feeling great. Not emotionally, but physically great. I didn’t feel any sort of soreness anymore, just still having plenty of those negative thoughts in my mind no matter how hard I push my body. Maybe I haven’t been pushing it enough. Or maybe I just need a good pull.
Maybe I’m just bored and feel really misplaced at this point of my life.
I know what I want to achieve before I die, but how do I cross over from my current state to that haven?
In the last months of 2009, I planned out exactly what steps I have to take to publish a children’s book. But I was too chicken to take those steps, saying that I’m too busy with school. Well, yes I actually am very busy with school. Schoolwork takes over more than half of my time, and besides that I run a lot and my body takes its toll to the point that my mind is in a haze 80% of the time. I lost focus, I risked my health, and it kills my psyche from head to toe.
I grew obsessed with living my dream. I think that’s how I become a journalist-wannabe. You have a piece of writing you’re writing – a shitty draft. You thought of doing something, and you control your situation to make it all happen. Then you put it all down in the shitty draft and your thoughts suddenly becomes real, because you took those actions while you’re editing that shitty draft. So it’s not shitty anymore and it deserves to be published.
I’m a traditionalist when it comes to writing in general – I have to brainstorm my ideas by hand, not by typing on the computer. Same goes with planning the actual draft. I have to let the words naturally flow as it does in my mind and it should on paper. So, before it’s too late (I’m 22 this year! OMG! I could’ve accomplished so much but ok, whatever. Time waits for NO ONE) I’ve written a calendar/planner on my laptop (because I spend most of my time in front of the laptop; my work/school makes me do so) so that I keep my focus at all times.
It has been a while since I’ve last made something special for my mother. Ever since I have a boyfriend, or, well, ever since I’ve lost my mind in the past couple of years, I haven’t made anything to her. Just a mere “Happy Birthday!” text message to her.
Despite all the trouble I have at home, with my mom and dad acting weird throughout my adolescence up till now, I remember very clearly that there was this one day, when my mom is pouring her heart to me and all I want to do is just listen, she tells me there’s this one year when nobody, I repeat, NOBODY… Not even my brothers, not even me, not even her friends, wished her a happy birthday on time… that my dad sent her a brief message, saying: “Happy birthday!”.
It’s cute. It’s simple. Despite everything, it still shows love. She was so happy while she’s telling me this.
I hate to be the kind of child who forgets her when age takes over. Which is one of the reasons why I want to come back here for good in Jakarta.
So, on top of my head: a piece of art – or a journal. An art that symbolizes a mother’s and daughter’s love. Or a written journal that requires plenty of research about giving birth, hidden “interviews” with her, why she always goes crazy about what I do, and why is it that her passwords are always under my name. My instinct tells me that the latter is a better idea.
I think I can achieve that goal.
Another one is taking advantage of my physical fitness again. I think I can run at least two races within the next 6 months. It doesn’t have to be that great of a distance, but I have an eye for half-marathon, at least, before I leave San Francisco for good.
Thank God I’m taking a writing class next semester. So my dream of publishing a collection of essays is taken care of.
Okay, now, everything doesn’t seem boring anymore. My adventure has already begun! (Plus possible working partnership with my long-time friends, who’s starting new ventures in this growing third-world country economy).
In other news, my brother is back in Jakarta. I see a little change in him. Not just physically, but overall in a positive way. I wish he’s going to take the decision he wishes to take. He has two decisions: Either to go back Japan and work part-time there while still taking Japanese classes, or take a Master’s degree over in the U.S. I know I’m biased with my opinions about the States, but he said it himself that he’s thinking of changing his mind, because he loves his life in Japan so much. He’s met all kinds of people from around the world. He even made a song with another friend of his who’s a pianist. They just need some lyrics and a great recording studio.
Oh well. I’m glad that my family is well.
My biggest goal: I need to focus on finishing school! School is no fun without any adventure. Adventures aren’t only for boys. No girl should allow a stupid boy to interfere with her adventures.
You know, adventures like flying around the world to see new people, new places, and new things you’ve never seen before.
That’s what my mom does all year round, traveling around the world and all.
♥
Muchaluva,
Stace.